I'd be turning 21 in 21 days on May 21.
:)
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Something Adi Never Cared Enough To Know.
When Adi thought my frequent collapses and clutching of the chest following our (even more) frequent fights were all an act, this was what was really going on with my heart.
Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome (WPW)
Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome (WPW) is a syndrome of pre-excitation of the ventricles of the heart due to an accessory pathway known as the bundle of Kent. This accessory pathway is an abnormal electrical communication from the atria to the ventricles.
While the vast majority of individuals with a bundle of Kent remain asymptomatic throughout their entire lives, there is a risk of sudden death associated with the syndrome. Sudden death due to WPW syndrome is due to the effect of the accessory pathway on tachyarrhythmias in these individuals.
Now tell me, which caring and devoted boyfriend would dismiss a life-threatening condition as "an attention-seeking stunt"?? That said, I'd willingly pay $50 to anyone who could give me one less reason not to hate him. Any takers?
Hur hur hur...
Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome (WPW)
Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome (WPW) is a syndrome of pre-excitation of the ventricles of the heart due to an accessory pathway known as the bundle of Kent. This accessory pathway is an abnormal electrical communication from the atria to the ventricles.
While the vast majority of individuals with a bundle of Kent remain asymptomatic throughout their entire lives, there is a risk of sudden death associated with the syndrome. Sudden death due to WPW syndrome is due to the effect of the accessory pathway on tachyarrhythmias in these individuals.
Now tell me, which caring and devoted boyfriend would dismiss a life-threatening condition as "an attention-seeking stunt"?? That said, I'd willingly pay $50 to anyone who could give me one less reason not to hate him. Any takers?
Hur hur hur...
Yayness!
I see the rain settling down.
I see the sky clearing.
Yes, this is the end of the storm.
The stressful period at work has officially ended - for now.
I'm expecting the next one to come on May 26 when I return back to work from Leave.
That's SCDF's way of wishing me "Happy Birthday". :)
I see the sky clearing.
Yes, this is the end of the storm.
The stressful period at work has officially ended - for now.
I'm expecting the next one to come on May 26 when I return back to work from Leave.
That's SCDF's way of wishing me "Happy Birthday". :)
What Mom Has To Say
Maman:
Guess what? Adi blogged about the time he bumped into you at CityLink.
Mother:
Oh really? What did he say?
Maman:
He said he was surprised.
Mother:
Oh, I was surprised to see him there too.
Maman:
No, he was surprised over how nice you were to him, especially since you gave him the cold shoulder during the time when he and I were really close.
Mother:
I don't get you.
Maman:
He mentioned that, at first, you were all nice and sweet to him; but as the 2 of us got closer, you were kinda cold towards him. So when you were all nice to him when he bumped into you at CityLink, it came as a surprise.
Mother:
Well, you no longer have frequent chest pains like you did before, right? So, I see no reason to still be mad at him.
Maman:
Even after he said that you were cold cos' you were self-conscious about him snatching me away from you?
Mother:
He said that??
Maman:
You think?!
Mother:
Eh tak malu nya! He actually thinks that he could actually come between me and my son?! Who does he think he is; my future daughter-in-law?!
Maman:
That's exactly why I told you not to waste your time talking to stray dogs!
Mother:
Boy, be nice. Whatever that happened between the 2 of you is in the past. Let it go.
Maman:
After everything that he has done and has put me through? Never.
Mother:
Boy, haven't I always taught you to forgive and forget?
Maman:
So, would you ever forgive Father for everything he did 19 years ago?!
Mother:
...
Maman:
My point exactly.
Guess what? Adi blogged about the time he bumped into you at CityLink.
Mother:
Oh really? What did he say?
Maman:
He said he was surprised.
Mother:
Oh, I was surprised to see him there too.
Maman:
No, he was surprised over how nice you were to him, especially since you gave him the cold shoulder during the time when he and I were really close.
Mother:
I don't get you.
Maman:
He mentioned that, at first, you were all nice and sweet to him; but as the 2 of us got closer, you were kinda cold towards him. So when you were all nice to him when he bumped into you at CityLink, it came as a surprise.
Mother:
Well, you no longer have frequent chest pains like you did before, right? So, I see no reason to still be mad at him.
Maman:
Even after he said that you were cold cos' you were self-conscious about him snatching me away from you?
Mother:
He said that??
Maman:
You think?!
Mother:
Eh tak malu nya! He actually thinks that he could actually come between me and my son?! Who does he think he is; my future daughter-in-law?!
Maman:
That's exactly why I told you not to waste your time talking to stray dogs!
Mother:
Boy, be nice. Whatever that happened between the 2 of you is in the past. Let it go.
Maman:
After everything that he has done and has put me through? Never.
Mother:
Boy, haven't I always taught you to forgive and forget?
Maman:
So, would you ever forgive Father for everything he did 19 years ago?!
Mother:
...
Maman:
My point exactly.
What Hurts The Most
I've always loved this song, because I've always felt that the words sang the sad song of my relationship with KS - a love that was cut short due to unavoidable circumstances.
Once again, this same song has drained me of my tears; for I believe that it now also sings the sad song of my love for Farid - A love that could've achieved so much, but sadly, was never meant to be from the start.
'Nuff said. Watch the video.
(If you're currently depressed as it is, get ready to dwell in melancholy)
P/S: I'm still in the getting-over stage, so pardon the excessively emo entry. And oh, expect a few more along the way.
Once again, this same song has drained me of my tears; for I believe that it now also sings the sad song of my love for Farid - A love that could've achieved so much, but sadly, was never meant to be from the start.
'Nuff said. Watch the video.
(If you're currently depressed as it is, get ready to dwell in melancholy)
P/S: I'm still in the getting-over stage, so pardon the excessively emo entry. And oh, expect a few more along the way.
Monday, April 28, 2008
On a final note
Guess who I saw in my living room the moment I got back from work earlier on?
Abdul Hamid Bin Ismail; also known in my birth certificate as my father.
Needless to say, his presence was automatically ignored by yours truly. :)
P/S: ...and now, I'm off to bed.
Abdul Hamid Bin Ismail; also known in my birth certificate as my father.
Needless to say, his presence was automatically ignored by yours truly. :)
P/S: ...and now, I'm off to bed.
Out with it.
Long conversation with my "Bitch Buddy #04" ahead, so hold on tight!
Bitch Buddy #04:
Babe!! Your dearest ex dissed you again!
Maman:
Ugh... What is it this time?
Bitch Buddy #04:
This one involves your MOTHER!
Maman:
Sonuvva bitch!!! What did that bastard say about my mom?!?!
Bitch Buddy #04:
No no no! He talked about the time he bumped into her.
Maman:
Oh, that I know. My mom told me about it.
Bitch Buddy #04:
She did? And what was your reaction?
Maman:
Nothin much, really. Just told her not to waste her time talking to stray dogs.
Bitch Buddy #04:
Ouch!
Maman:
You know me. Anyway, what else did he say?
Bitch Buddy #04:
He was saying about how your mom was, at first, all warm and sweet to him; and when the 2 of you got closer, she became cold towards him.
Maman:
She has every reason to.
Bitch Buddy #04:
Really? Why?
Maman:
Tell you later. You go on first.
Bitch Buddy #04:
Okok. Then he was sayin it's weird that now that you're both not on talking terms, she's suddenly all warm and sweet again.
Maman:
She was just being polite.
Bitch Buddy #04:
Really??? Tell me more!
Maman:
After you.
Bitch Buddy #04:
Aargh! Anyway, he concluded that the reason why your mom was cold towards him then was only because she was self-conscious about him taking you away from her.
Maman:
Bullshit. As I would've expected, he's still so full of himself. Guess some things really don't change.
Bitch Buddy #04:
You don't expect dogs to suddenly turn into cats now, do you? Anyway, tell me what you need to tell me!
Maman:
Oh where do I start?! ;)
Bitch Buddy #04:
Well, you could start from the back, just the way I like it!
Maman:
Haha! You slut! Wellllll... Let me start by saying that the only time my mother would ever accuse someone of stealing her baby boy away from her would be the day I step onto the dais; and what are the chances of that happening?!
Bitch Buddy #04:
Haha! Good point there! So, why was she cold then?
Maman:
You really wanna know?
Bitch Buddy #04:
Bring it on, bitch!
Maman:
When she first gave the cold shoulder, it was because she suspected of us being a couple. From a different context, I'd say that's fair play, because his mom did the same to me.
Bitch Buddy #04:
She did?!
Maman:
Oh, he never mentioned that? Why should I be surprised? Ha!
Bitch Buddy #04:
Okay, Mister. This convo has officially caught on fire! Go on!
Maman:
Wahaha! Well, at least my mom was nice to him. His mom was never once nice to me. From the day I first stepped into his house, his mom gave me such bad vibes, but I don't blame her, really.
Bitch Buddy #04:
Why not?!
Maman:
The chemistry Adi and I had then was totally out of this world. It was so strong that even a blind man would've thought that we were a couple! That said, why shouldn't it be worrisome for a mother to know that her son's sharing such an amazing bond with another man?!
Bitch Buddy #04:
You've got a point there.
Maman:
Precisely. And it came naturally that that was what my mom initially felt too. Her dislike towards him grew only when she saw certain changes in me.
Bitch Buddy #04:
What kinda changes?
Maman:
Since I was little, my mom was always on the fence whenever it came to showering love onto me - she never spoilt me, but she was never too hard on me either. That's only because she knew she had to play the role of a mother and a father at the same time. Therefore, just like what my grandparents, aunts and uncles did, she taught me to be strong; and when she saw her son turn into an emotional timebomb, she knew it could only be the work of one person - the person who had the strongest influence in my life then; Adi.
Bitch Buddy #04:
So what did she do?
Maman:
She secretly got updates from my grandma. When grandma told her of the constant fights Adi and I got into, and the frequency of my emotional break-downs, my mom got worried, and her dislike for Adi grew. But the cherry on top only came when I had my check-up at the National Heart Centre.
Bitch Buddy #04:
Whoa. Gettin serious here, I see.
Maman:
It is. I never once told this to any of my friends who knew of my relationship with Adi then because I was afraid they'd tell me to do the obvious - leave him for my own sake.
Bitch Buddy #04:
Well duh! I'd have told you if I knew it myself! So what was it?
Maman:
During the check-up, the specialist had a sit-down with me and asked if I was going through any stress whatsoever. I told him I was going through a rough time with my other half, and whenever we hit a rough spot, I'd always have tight, squeezing pains.
Bitch Buddy #04:
So what did the doctor say?
Maman:
He told me that the tight, squeezing pains I felt were caused by palpitations, which roots to the WPW snydrome I'm suffering from. This would be quite alright should I only be suffering from WPW. Fact is, I'm not. Besides WPW, I'm also suffering from MVP; and apparently, the pressure my heart was taking was too much that it had caused the overflow of blood in my left ventricle to further worsen.
Bitch Buddy #04:
So your heart was pumping even more blood than it needed to lah?
Maman:
Bingo. That's why I frequently fell flat onto the floor while immediately clutching my chest whenever Adi and I fought. He thought that it was drama on my part. If only he knew what was really going on.
Bitch Buddy #04:
What an ass! Hun, perhaps it's about time you spill the beans on the all the shit you found out about him.
Maman:
You mean the shit he did while we were still together?
Bitch Buddy #04:
Mmm hmmm!
Maman:
And why should I do that?
Bitch Buddy #04:
So everyone would know the truth! How dare he play the part of the sick puppy when he was clearly the demented bitch?! And to think he called you a burden!
Maman:
When?
Bitch Buddy #04:
In his entry lah!
Maman:
Well, some people were born with a conscience while others have to put on a pretense to make up for that one missing element in their lives.
Bitch Buddy #04:
You sound reluctant to dish the dirt. Hmmm?
Maman:
Not that I'm reluctant, but I find it pointless. Really. Babe, it's been almost 2 1/2 years since we broke up, and from the time we did, it took me less than 2 months to get over that no-good bastard. On the other hand, it took me a whole year to get over KS; and note that we were only together for a few months!
Bitch Buddy #04:
Why's that?
Maman:
First of all, I was up to HERE with everything that went on in our relationship. The emotional torment, the drama, the bla bla blas - I was sick of all that. I wanted to break free. Hell, I needed to! Plus, getting to know of the shit he did behind my back really speeded up the recovery. One by one, the news just poured in; and as they did, I took a step away from him. Babe, need I remind you of how he pleaded me to accept him back into my life? Hey, I still have that Nick Hornby book he bought me as proof, you know?
Bitch Buddy #04:
You mean that pathetic Valentines' Day gift he gave you?
Maman:
Err ya. Haha! Just spare a moment to think - Why would he go on his knees if he were the one who really walked out of the relationship, as he proclaimed he did? Why did he pester me to accept his proposal if I was such a burden, as he said I was? Why was he so eager to have me back to the point where he actually gave me a deadline to answer him by, if I were, truly, a "bundle of burden"?
Bitch Buddy #04:
WTF?! You've read the post?!
Maman:
Yes, babe. You weren't the first to let me know of his bullshit - which goes to show that I've got friends who really made full use of their eyes. They saw everything that went on between Adi and I, and when it was all said and done, they drew their conclusions from what they saw then; not what they read now. All the more, I see no reason to expose all that he did behind my back. I trust that those who knew of everything that went on in our relationship would be smart enough to figure out who's telling the truth; whereas for those who didn't, they can be fooled by the glib talker Adi is - I couldn't care less.
Bitch Buddy #04:
Why the fuck not? The bastard's trying to ruin your reputation!
Maman:
Is it really ruined; when those who've endorsed his propaganda are people whom I don't even know?! You do the thinking.
Bitch Buddy #04:
I hate it that you're always one step ahead of me!
Maman:
;)
P/S: To the rest of my bitches, don't worry about me. Instead, worry about what Karma'll do to him. ;)
Bitch Buddy #04:
Babe!! Your dearest ex dissed you again!
Maman:
Ugh... What is it this time?
Bitch Buddy #04:
This one involves your MOTHER!
Maman:
Sonuvva bitch!!! What did that bastard say about my mom?!?!
Bitch Buddy #04:
No no no! He talked about the time he bumped into her.
Maman:
Oh, that I know. My mom told me about it.
Bitch Buddy #04:
She did? And what was your reaction?
Maman:
Nothin much, really. Just told her not to waste her time talking to stray dogs.
Bitch Buddy #04:
Ouch!
Maman:
You know me. Anyway, what else did he say?
Bitch Buddy #04:
He was saying about how your mom was, at first, all warm and sweet to him; and when the 2 of you got closer, she became cold towards him.
Maman:
She has every reason to.
Bitch Buddy #04:
Really? Why?
Maman:
Tell you later. You go on first.
Bitch Buddy #04:
Okok. Then he was sayin it's weird that now that you're both not on talking terms, she's suddenly all warm and sweet again.
Maman:
She was just being polite.
Bitch Buddy #04:
Really??? Tell me more!
Maman:
After you.
Bitch Buddy #04:
Aargh! Anyway, he concluded that the reason why your mom was cold towards him then was only because she was self-conscious about him taking you away from her.
Maman:
Bullshit. As I would've expected, he's still so full of himself. Guess some things really don't change.
Bitch Buddy #04:
You don't expect dogs to suddenly turn into cats now, do you? Anyway, tell me what you need to tell me!
Maman:
Oh where do I start?! ;)
Bitch Buddy #04:
Well, you could start from the back, just the way I like it!
Maman:
Haha! You slut! Wellllll... Let me start by saying that the only time my mother would ever accuse someone of stealing her baby boy away from her would be the day I step onto the dais; and what are the chances of that happening?!
Bitch Buddy #04:
Haha! Good point there! So, why was she cold then?
Maman:
You really wanna know?
Bitch Buddy #04:
Bring it on, bitch!
Maman:
When she first gave the cold shoulder, it was because she suspected of us being a couple. From a different context, I'd say that's fair play, because his mom did the same to me.
Bitch Buddy #04:
She did?!
Maman:
Oh, he never mentioned that? Why should I be surprised? Ha!
Bitch Buddy #04:
Okay, Mister. This convo has officially caught on fire! Go on!
Maman:
Wahaha! Well, at least my mom was nice to him. His mom was never once nice to me. From the day I first stepped into his house, his mom gave me such bad vibes, but I don't blame her, really.
Bitch Buddy #04:
Why not?!
Maman:
The chemistry Adi and I had then was totally out of this world. It was so strong that even a blind man would've thought that we were a couple! That said, why shouldn't it be worrisome for a mother to know that her son's sharing such an amazing bond with another man?!
Bitch Buddy #04:
You've got a point there.
Maman:
Precisely. And it came naturally that that was what my mom initially felt too. Her dislike towards him grew only when she saw certain changes in me.
Bitch Buddy #04:
What kinda changes?
Maman:
Since I was little, my mom was always on the fence whenever it came to showering love onto me - she never spoilt me, but she was never too hard on me either. That's only because she knew she had to play the role of a mother and a father at the same time. Therefore, just like what my grandparents, aunts and uncles did, she taught me to be strong; and when she saw her son turn into an emotional timebomb, she knew it could only be the work of one person - the person who had the strongest influence in my life then; Adi.
Bitch Buddy #04:
So what did she do?
Maman:
She secretly got updates from my grandma. When grandma told her of the constant fights Adi and I got into, and the frequency of my emotional break-downs, my mom got worried, and her dislike for Adi grew. But the cherry on top only came when I had my check-up at the National Heart Centre.
Bitch Buddy #04:
Whoa. Gettin serious here, I see.
Maman:
It is. I never once told this to any of my friends who knew of my relationship with Adi then because I was afraid they'd tell me to do the obvious - leave him for my own sake.
Bitch Buddy #04:
Well duh! I'd have told you if I knew it myself! So what was it?
Maman:
During the check-up, the specialist had a sit-down with me and asked if I was going through any stress whatsoever. I told him I was going through a rough time with my other half, and whenever we hit a rough spot, I'd always have tight, squeezing pains.
Bitch Buddy #04:
So what did the doctor say?
Maman:
He told me that the tight, squeezing pains I felt were caused by palpitations, which roots to the WPW snydrome I'm suffering from. This would be quite alright should I only be suffering from WPW. Fact is, I'm not. Besides WPW, I'm also suffering from MVP; and apparently, the pressure my heart was taking was too much that it had caused the overflow of blood in my left ventricle to further worsen.
Bitch Buddy #04:
So your heart was pumping even more blood than it needed to lah?
Maman:
Bingo. That's why I frequently fell flat onto the floor while immediately clutching my chest whenever Adi and I fought. He thought that it was drama on my part. If only he knew what was really going on.
Bitch Buddy #04:
What an ass! Hun, perhaps it's about time you spill the beans on the all the shit you found out about him.
Maman:
You mean the shit he did while we were still together?
Bitch Buddy #04:
Mmm hmmm!
Maman:
And why should I do that?
Bitch Buddy #04:
So everyone would know the truth! How dare he play the part of the sick puppy when he was clearly the demented bitch?! And to think he called you a burden!
Maman:
When?
Bitch Buddy #04:
In his entry lah!
Maman:
Well, some people were born with a conscience while others have to put on a pretense to make up for that one missing element in their lives.
Bitch Buddy #04:
You sound reluctant to dish the dirt. Hmmm?
Maman:
Not that I'm reluctant, but I find it pointless. Really. Babe, it's been almost 2 1/2 years since we broke up, and from the time we did, it took me less than 2 months to get over that no-good bastard. On the other hand, it took me a whole year to get over KS; and note that we were only together for a few months!
Bitch Buddy #04:
Why's that?
Maman:
First of all, I was up to HERE with everything that went on in our relationship. The emotional torment, the drama, the bla bla blas - I was sick of all that. I wanted to break free. Hell, I needed to! Plus, getting to know of the shit he did behind my back really speeded up the recovery. One by one, the news just poured in; and as they did, I took a step away from him. Babe, need I remind you of how he pleaded me to accept him back into my life? Hey, I still have that Nick Hornby book he bought me as proof, you know?
Bitch Buddy #04:
You mean that pathetic Valentines' Day gift he gave you?
Maman:
Err ya. Haha! Just spare a moment to think - Why would he go on his knees if he were the one who really walked out of the relationship, as he proclaimed he did? Why did he pester me to accept his proposal if I was such a burden, as he said I was? Why was he so eager to have me back to the point where he actually gave me a deadline to answer him by, if I were, truly, a "bundle of burden"?
Bitch Buddy #04:
WTF?! You've read the post?!
Maman:
Yes, babe. You weren't the first to let me know of his bullshit - which goes to show that I've got friends who really made full use of their eyes. They saw everything that went on between Adi and I, and when it was all said and done, they drew their conclusions from what they saw then; not what they read now. All the more, I see no reason to expose all that he did behind my back. I trust that those who knew of everything that went on in our relationship would be smart enough to figure out who's telling the truth; whereas for those who didn't, they can be fooled by the glib talker Adi is - I couldn't care less.
Bitch Buddy #04:
Why the fuck not? The bastard's trying to ruin your reputation!
Maman:
Is it really ruined; when those who've endorsed his propaganda are people whom I don't even know?! You do the thinking.
Bitch Buddy #04:
I hate it that you're always one step ahead of me!
Maman:
;)
P/S: To the rest of my bitches, don't worry about me. Instead, worry about what Karma'll do to him. ;)
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Didn't See This Coming!
Lisa:
Babe, how did we get to know each other again? And how long ago was that?
Maman:
IRC. Since our band-geek days? Hmmm... I'd say, 7 years?
Lisa:
Omg! Lol!
Maman:
Why'd you ask?
Lisa:
Didn't you have girlfriends in secondary school?
Maman:
Yea I did, even though none of them came from the same school as I did. Why?
Lisa:
LOL!!! Well, it just occured to me - How did you bring yourself to have girlfriends when you clearly knew that you were gay all along?
Maman:
Babe, I'm not entirely gay; nor am I bisexual lah - I'm a biemotional homosexual.
Lisa:
Huh?!
Maman:
Means that; emotionally, I can feel and fall for both genders; but when it comes to physical or sexual attraction, I can only "stand" when it involves another man. Get it?
Lisa:
Ya I guess. So you never slept with any of your girlfriends?
Maman:
Oh hell no! I barely touched them sia!
Lisa:
LOL!! Okok thanks.
Maman:
Erm, why're you suddenly asking me on this?
Lisa:
Haha nothing nothing.
Maman:
No, really. Why?
Lisa:
Ehhh... Cos... I used to have the biggest crush on you back when we were both in Sec 4?
Maman:
...whoa
Babe, how did we get to know each other again? And how long ago was that?
Maman:
IRC. Since our band-geek days? Hmmm... I'd say, 7 years?
Lisa:
Omg! Lol!
Maman:
Why'd you ask?
Lisa:
Didn't you have girlfriends in secondary school?
Maman:
Yea I did, even though none of them came from the same school as I did. Why?
Lisa:
LOL!!! Well, it just occured to me - How did you bring yourself to have girlfriends when you clearly knew that you were gay all along?
Maman:
Babe, I'm not entirely gay; nor am I bisexual lah - I'm a biemotional homosexual.
Lisa:
Huh?!
Maman:
Means that; emotionally, I can feel and fall for both genders; but when it comes to physical or sexual attraction, I can only "stand" when it involves another man. Get it?
Lisa:
Ya I guess. So you never slept with any of your girlfriends?
Maman:
Oh hell no! I barely touched them sia!
Lisa:
LOL!! Okok thanks.
Maman:
Erm, why're you suddenly asking me on this?
Lisa:
Haha nothing nothing.
Maman:
No, really. Why?
Lisa:
Ehhh... Cos... I used to have the biggest crush on you back when we were both in Sec 4?
Maman:
...whoa
Ready.
More than ever; I'm ready to weather the storm at work, and the storm in my personal life.
Why, you ask?
Just look over to the sidebar and see what it says on my Twitter.
Why, you ask?
Just look over to the sidebar and see what it says on my Twitter.
Hur hur hur...
Im'ma be aight.
Berjalanlah tanpa henti
Air mata tertahan
Waktu untuk dijatuhkan
Nanti kita kan tahu
Betapa bijaknya hidup
Sepahit apapun ini
Pelajaran yang berarti
Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apapun
Semoga mampu Ku lawan
Kesepianku
Apapun yang terjadi
Berjalanlah tanpa henti
Dato' Siti Nurhaliza - "Melawan Kesepian"
Thursday, April 24, 2008
In The Eye of The Storm
The stressful period at work has officially begun, so expect hair-pulling, ice-cream-binging, alcohol-guzzling, tantrum-throwing moments for the next week and a half.
You've been warned, so make sure you don't step on my tail during this period.
You've been warned, so make sure you don't step on my tail during this period.
Try me, if you dare.
Beautiful Nightmare
This hot, new track was recently recorded by Beyonce in the studios; and apparently, was leaked on the net soon after the final touch-ups were made!
I've been in love with this song for more than 2 weeks now, and I know just why - he is my beautiful nightmare.
With hopes that maybe I'll get a chance
to see you when I close my eyes
I'm going out of my head
Lost in a fairytale;
Where you hold my hands, and I be your guide.
Clouds filled with stars cover your skies
And I hope it rains;
Cos' you're the perfect lullaby.
What kind of dream is this?"
The Vicious Cycle
Have you ever done something bad onto someone, only to have the same thing done onto you by somebody else?
I have.
I've always believed in Karma - that what goes around will, one day, eventually come around - even though sometimes, especially in my younger days, I've had the tendency to do things without sparing a thought of the repercussions.
There were times in my life when emotional commitment was the last thing on my agenda. I clearly remember that there were 2 periods - the time before I had metthe bastard my first love, and the time following our bitch fest break-up - where I felt as above.
During these times, all I had in mind was to have fun, and to live life to the fullest without being unwillingly chained down by someone else. My life - during those periods - primarily revolved around partying, sex, alcohol, and even more partying.
In the period soon after I came out and before I had metthe bastard my first love, commitment of love was of little - or no - importance in my life. Being 16-going-on-17, all I could think of was enjoying my adolescence before I "grow old" one day.
When I decided to finally break free fromthe bastard my first love more than 2 years ago, commitment of love was definitely the last thing I had in mind. In fact, at that point of time, death would have made a much better option! It was during that time when I had frozen all emotions associated to love and romance; while simultaneously (and sub-consciously) being taken over by fear.
Fear, after discovering all the lies and all the - for the lack of a better word - shit thatthe bastard my first love had done behind my back during the time that we were together, especially since these discoveries were made only after the break-up had taken place! On top of that, all the mind games, drama, blame-throwing and emotional torment were also major contributors to this fear - the fear of trusting another man ever again.
Since coming out more than 4 years ago, I've constantly had a string of admirers who patiently and persistently waited for that one chance to prove it all - that not all men are the same, and that they could potentially be the one to make me whole - but as fate would have it, they never really got that chance.
Besides fear of hurt and the desire to have maximum fun, I must say that I put most of the blame on the one thing that makes us all human - ego.
I've always had an issue with my ego when it comes to love. Don't get me wrong, though - I'm not referring to my ego when in love per se. That, I constantly make sure that it is in check as I very well know that it is the key to maintaining a healthy 2-way relationship.
No, this ego that I'm referring to... it's... hmmmm... of being desirable, and, being desired by another person. As ridiculous as it may be, it is simply something that, till today, I can not get rid of - for some reason - and I don't even know why!
To be frank, I have never once given a chance to anyone - and I mean anyone - who felt for me before I ever had the chance to feel the same way about them! The men whom I have ever pursued - or dated - were all men whom I had, at the very least, had a crush on; when - on the other hand - and at that same time, their feelings didn't amount to that of mine, or were close to nothing at all!
It's weird, I know, but I've always had an issue with people who develop feelings for me before I do! I've always felt that, being the one to reciprocate another person's love was, well, equivalent to that of being passive!
It's no lie that I have always been the one to initiate - especially when it comes to love - therefore having someone else doing the initiating, in my ego's opinion, just makes me that much less of a man!
Also, it has always been in my opinion that by taking myself out of the market too quickly, it would - believe it or not - make me less desirable to others!
Even though the very fact that I did have lots of admirers during the time I was withthe bastard my first love and KS respectively is concrete enough to dispute that shallow lil' mindset of mine, I still find myself holding on to it to the point where I think it has become a principle in my life! Geez!
Above all, I still think that the biggest obstacle my ego has yet to face is the fact that Maman loves a challenge! Knowing that I can have someone whenever, wherever is somewhat of a turn-off, in my opinion. It kinda makes the person look easy, while at the same time, makes me look desperate. Once again, I know it's a weird excuse to deny one's self of finding his potential soul mate, but then again, when has my life ever been normal?
The one thing my relationships withthe bastard my first love and KS had in common was the fact that I was the first boyfriend they have ever had in their lives! Heck, I didn't even have to put on that "I kinda like you like you, so I'm gonna be all nice and sweet when I'm with you" front just to attract them! All throughout the getting-to-know period, I remained myself - flaws and all - and they loved me for that!
So, if I could've changed the mindset of 2 closetted gay guys on love between 2 men, what couldn't I possibly do??
One after another, they came. The admirers, that is. They tried and they tried, but I never relented for my mind was already made up from the start. Still, I never once let them know. All I did was to simply appear nonchalant. Take it from this analogy:
The more I stayed nonchalant; the harder they tried.
The harder they tried; the easier it became to have them.
The easier it became to have them; the more "back-ups" I had.
The more "back-ups" I had; the more my ego grew.
The more my ego grew; the more I felt compelled to remain the bastard I once was.
It was only after my break-up with KS that I no longer felt the need for "back-ups" anymore; probably because with KS, I finally felt whole again.
I've been single for 15 months and 16 days now. There came a point throughout this time where I thought I'd never be able to love anyone so deeply the way I did KS, or eventhe bastard my first love. That was, until He came into my life.
For the first time in a long time, I actually felt and fell oh-so-deeply for someone. I honestly have no idea why I did, considering he's Malay and a year younger than I am. Everyone knows Maman swore never to fall for another malay guy after all that happened withthe bastard his first love; and everyone knows Maman likes men within the age range of 24-35. So why was this kid the one?? Honestly, I still don't know; and that's how I know it's love.
"When you feel for someone but can't seem to put a finger on a reason so as to why you feel so strongly for him, that's when you know you love him."
Time passed, and feelings grew stronger; but it wasn't long before those feelings turned into an obsession - when one glance of him could light up your day; when your knees weaken by that precious smile flashes across his face; when fatigue and time are no longer excuses, just so that you could catch a glimpse of him.
But for the first time, I realized I was the only dancing to the tune; or at least that was what I felt.
Alas, I decided to straighten things out with him (pardon the pun) once and for all, and from everything that transpired from the conversation, I was determined - Karma has come full circle.
For the first time in my life, I felt what it was like to be led on. For the first time, also, I felt what it was like to invest all my emotions into something that was never meant to be from the start.
Was I upset? A little.
Was I disappointed? Sure as hell.
Was I relieved? YES.
Yes, because finally, Karma has bitten me in the ass. I knew it was a matter of time. I'm just glad it has happened now when I'm still young, rather than much later in my life.
Do I miss him? I sure do.
Do I still love him?
..
..
.....As much as I did the day I knew I was in love with him.
Dinginnya getaran asmara
Sentuhan mula bermadah
Ku tak bisa juarai
Jiwa yang ku tak punya
And from what I've heard, it appears now that the guy whom he's always had feelings for is doing the same thing onto him, cos apparently the guy's in love with someone else. Karma or not, let this be known - That despite the undying love I still have for him, I will not be his back-up plan. Perhaps, well, perhaps we were never meant to be anyway. Sigh.
Tidak kesampaian cinta kita
Ku bawa harapan, ku pendam rahsia.
Ku di kejauhan; mendoakan
Agar kau bahgia; tiada lagi duka.
Daku rela mengundur diri
Ku pasti dikau kan fahami.
I have.
I've always believed in Karma - that what goes around will, one day, eventually come around - even though sometimes, especially in my younger days, I've had the tendency to do things without sparing a thought of the repercussions.
There were times in my life when emotional commitment was the last thing on my agenda. I clearly remember that there were 2 periods - the time before I had met
During these times, all I had in mind was to have fun, and to live life to the fullest without being unwillingly chained down by someone else. My life - during those periods - primarily revolved around partying, sex, alcohol, and even more partying.
In the period soon after I came out and before I had met
When I decided to finally break free from
Fear, after discovering all the lies and all the - for the lack of a better word - shit that
Since coming out more than 4 years ago, I've constantly had a string of admirers who patiently and persistently waited for that one chance to prove it all - that not all men are the same, and that they could potentially be the one to make me whole - but as fate would have it, they never really got that chance.
Besides fear of hurt and the desire to have maximum fun, I must say that I put most of the blame on the one thing that makes us all human - ego.
I've always had an issue with my ego when it comes to love. Don't get me wrong, though - I'm not referring to my ego when in love per se. That, I constantly make sure that it is in check as I very well know that it is the key to maintaining a healthy 2-way relationship.
No, this ego that I'm referring to... it's... hmmmm... of being desirable, and, being desired by another person. As ridiculous as it may be, it is simply something that, till today, I can not get rid of - for some reason - and I don't even know why!
To be frank, I have never once given a chance to anyone - and I mean anyone - who felt for me before I ever had the chance to feel the same way about them! The men whom I have ever pursued - or dated - were all men whom I had, at the very least, had a crush on; when - on the other hand - and at that same time, their feelings didn't amount to that of mine, or were close to nothing at all!
It's weird, I know, but I've always had an issue with people who develop feelings for me before I do! I've always felt that, being the one to reciprocate another person's love was, well, equivalent to that of being passive!
It's no lie that I have always been the one to initiate - especially when it comes to love - therefore having someone else doing the initiating, in my ego's opinion, just makes me that much less of a man!
Also, it has always been in my opinion that by taking myself out of the market too quickly, it would - believe it or not - make me less desirable to others!
Even though the very fact that I did have lots of admirers during the time I was with
Above all, I still think that the biggest obstacle my ego has yet to face is the fact that Maman loves a challenge! Knowing that I can have someone whenever, wherever is somewhat of a turn-off, in my opinion. It kinda makes the person look easy, while at the same time, makes me look desperate. Once again, I know it's a weird excuse to deny one's self of finding his potential soul mate, but then again, when has my life ever been normal?
The one thing my relationships with
So, if I could've changed the mindset of 2 closetted gay guys on love between 2 men, what couldn't I possibly do??
One after another, they came. The admirers, that is. They tried and they tried, but I never relented for my mind was already made up from the start. Still, I never once let them know. All I did was to simply appear nonchalant. Take it from this analogy:
The more I stayed nonchalant; the harder they tried.
The harder they tried; the easier it became to have them.
The easier it became to have them; the more "back-ups" I had.
The more "back-ups" I had; the more my ego grew.
The more my ego grew; the more I felt compelled to remain the bastard I once was.
It was only after my break-up with KS that I no longer felt the need for "back-ups" anymore; probably because with KS, I finally felt whole again.
I've been single for 15 months and 16 days now. There came a point throughout this time where I thought I'd never be able to love anyone so deeply the way I did KS, or even
For the first time in a long time, I actually felt and fell oh-so-deeply for someone. I honestly have no idea why I did, considering he's Malay and a year younger than I am. Everyone knows Maman swore never to fall for another malay guy after all that happened with
"When you feel for someone but can't seem to put a finger on a reason so as to why you feel so strongly for him, that's when you know you love him."
Time passed, and feelings grew stronger; but it wasn't long before those feelings turned into an obsession - when one glance of him could light up your day; when your knees weaken by that precious smile flashes across his face; when fatigue and time are no longer excuses, just so that you could catch a glimpse of him.
But for the first time, I realized I was the only dancing to the tune; or at least that was what I felt.
Alas, I decided to straighten things out with him (pardon the pun) once and for all, and from everything that transpired from the conversation, I was determined - Karma has come full circle.
For the first time in my life, I felt what it was like to be led on. For the first time, also, I felt what it was like to invest all my emotions into something that was never meant to be from the start.
Was I upset? A little.
Was I disappointed? Sure as hell.
Was I relieved? YES.
Yes, because finally, Karma has bitten me in the ass. I knew it was a matter of time. I'm just glad it has happened now when I'm still young, rather than much later in my life.
Do I miss him? I sure do.
Do I still love him?
..
..
.....As much as I did the day I knew I was in love with him.
Dinginnya getaran asmara
Sentuhan mula bermadah
Ku tak bisa juarai
Jiwa yang ku tak punya
And from what I've heard, it appears now that the guy whom he's always had feelings for is doing the same thing onto him, cos apparently the guy's in love with someone else. Karma or not, let this be known - That despite the undying love I still have for him, I will not be his back-up plan. Perhaps, well, perhaps we were never meant to be anyway. Sigh.
Tidak kesampaian cinta kitaKu bawa harapan, ku pendam rahsia.
Ku di kejauhan; mendoakan
Agar kau bahgia; tiada lagi duka.
Daku rela mengundur diri
Ku pasti dikau kan fahami.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
All Dried Up
First, it was Irreplaceable.
Then came Tattoo.
And now, it's With You.
Ever since Beyonce (and her amazing line of producers) got the world to turn to the left, to the left; it seems like more and more Pop-R&B composer-producers are copying that success formula with the release of such singles which, in my opinion, are of similar beats.
Sure, they're instant hits, and yes I do enjoy listening to such songs; but what about some originality, people?! Sheesh!
Look at Jay-Z, Timbaland, Kanye West, John Legend and Michael Jackson. These individuals are, in my opinion, the greatest composer-producers on the face of the earth today; simply because, they have, over time, trademarked their own signature tunes and beats. That is why people easily relate certain songs (or should I say, hits) to be that of their own original works respectively.
If only there were more of such great talents around. Sigh.
Then came Tattoo.
And now, it's With You.
Ever since Beyonce (and her amazing line of producers) got the world to turn to the left, to the left; it seems like more and more Pop-R&B composer-producers are copying that success formula with the release of such singles which, in my opinion, are of similar beats.
Sure, they're instant hits, and yes I do enjoy listening to such songs; but what about some originality, people?! Sheesh!
Look at Jay-Z, Timbaland, Kanye West, John Legend and Michael Jackson. These individuals are, in my opinion, the greatest composer-producers on the face of the earth today; simply because, they have, over time, trademarked their own signature tunes and beats. That is why people easily relate certain songs (or should I say, hits) to be that of their own original works respectively.
If only there were more of such great talents around. Sigh.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Cleaning Out The Cobwebs
I could hear the crickets creaking.
I could see cobwebs forming.
I could see them nasty roaches chasing one another ala a bollywood scene.
But most importantly...
I could still hear Hari Raya songs playing; in April!!
(Bangs head on table)
Well, forget all that cos' the bitch is back! :)
I know it's been an awfully long time since I last updated, and quite frankly, I may have more things to say than I could actually bother to type! Well, that's the reason why I stopped blogging in the first place!
I mean, procrastination led to more procrastination - which led to the no. of posts piling up by the day - and before I knew it, I was too lazy to blog about anything at all!
Well, let's cut the long story short and get right down to my life over the past 5 months now, shall we?
From where I last left you, I was still running the family's business. Well, that's no longer the case, and it's not just because of NS. (On a side tangent, I've been in NS for 3 months now, but let's save the CD-bitching till later yeah?)
Back to the family business, I decided to relinquish my post about 1 month and a half earlier than expected, and you know that could only mean one thing - drama!
Well, it all happened in the midst of the whole Hari Raya festive season lah. It was at my eldest uncle's open house. I was halfway through a meal when his wife asked "So, Man, what do you plan to do after NS?"
Just as I was about to answer her, my uncle (the one running the business) cut in to say "Alah, no need to think so much lah. Best thing for you to do is to finish up your 2 years, and after that, fully take over the business!"
That statement shocked the hell outta me. Seriously, I was really caufght off-guard by his response. So much so that I no longer had the appetite to finish my meal.
Long story short, I decided to come clean to the family about my plans for after NS. I could tell they were somewhat shocked, but at the same time, they weren't surprised.
I mean, I shocked my entire family when I decided to withdraw from Poly to pursue my passion for acting. Hence, it came to no (or little) surprise that 2 years since I made that decision, I still chose my passion over another "career path".
My uncle got the worst of it, though. He was so shocked and disappointed that he didn't talk to me throughout the rest of the day; and it would stay that way till 2 months later when grandpa fell really ill.
Speaking of which, grandpa's sudden illness came as a surprise to us all, and frankly, it's something I never want to go through again. Period.
It was like any other Friday evening. I had just got back from my (then) part-time job as a trainer, and knowing Maman, I hate to be disturbed when I'm all tired out from work. It was right after dusk and grandpa was about to finish performing his prayers. That was the last time I saw him being his normal self.
5 minutes afterwards, just before grandma could perform her prayers, she came knocking on my door and said my grandpa was complaining that he felt cold. Initially, I thought that it was probably nothing, and he probably just wanted my attention or something, but when I came into the room and saw him shivering, I knew he wasn't joking, neither was he faking it cos for one, the shivering was too real to be faked by an 86-year old man who wasn't suffering from Arthritis or Parkinsons Disease!
I placed the palm of my hand on his forehead, and it was cold. I placed it on his neck, and it was just as cold. When I touched his hands, it was freezing cold. That immediately alarmed me.
I called my eldest aunt to come over immediately and I also called for an ambulance. Boiled some water to dab on his face and hands, and while waiting, I rushed back to his side.
My lord, the man was lying down in a stuffy room underneath 2 blankets and 3 layers of sweaters, and he was still shivering! To make things worse, all the man could talk about was death, and how he felt that it was his time to go!
How would you, as a grandchild, feel/react when your grandpa looks you in the eyes and say "I'm about to go. I think it's time."
As much as I was metaphorically shittin in my pants, I knew I had to stay calm for my grandma's sake. One glance and I knew that she was shittin in her pants too. Granny has a really soft heart, so seeing her husband of almost 60 years be in that state must've really been hard for her.
Anyway, once we got to the hospital, everything seemed fine. Gramps was in the observation room, and was seemingly recovering. Or so we thought.
Gramps got warded and not long after, we all headed back to my place to discuss grandpa's condition, and what could be done, especially with regards to his high blood pressure.
15 mins into our family discussion, the phone rang.
"Hello, Aman. Datang sini tolong Atuk. Atuk dari tadi cari bilik air rumah kita, tapi tak jumpa-jumpa. Dapur rumah kita Atuk nampak, tapi bilik air tak jumpa-jumpa pulak."
(Hello, Aman. Help me find our bathroom. I've been searching for it since just now, but I can't seem to find it. I can see our kitchen, but I can't seem to find our bathroom.)
"...Errrr... Errrrr.... Okay, okay. Atuk tunggu. Kejap lagi Maman sampai."
(Hold on. I'll be there in a while.)
"We need to go back to the hospital. Something's not right with grandpa."
Long story short, apparently the medication prescribed by the doctor was really strong as gramps' BP was really high then, therefore causing gramps to slip into temporary dementia, and that contributed to that night being the worst night I have ever had in my soon-to-be 21 years. (Fyi, 2 of my uncles and I insisted on staying over to look after him.)
Here's the thing; my grandpa loves being warded. I know it sounds weird, but yes, the old man loves it; simply cos' that's when he'd get to see distant relatives whom, otherwise, we only get to see during the festive season, weddings or funerals; but that night he kept wanting to go home, so much so that he barely had any sleep! He kept pointing out that we wants to go back to use our bathroom instead of the one in the hospital, which was at the other end of the ward.
Oh, and when he said he could "find our kitchen", it was actually the Staff Pantry, but the medication led him into thinking that it was out kitchen!
"What's happening to my grandpa? Why's he suddenly behaving as though he's... senile?"
My grandfather's 87, and besides his high blood pressure, he is a fit and healthy man! He's not diabetic; he doesn't have heart-related problems; he has never required a walking aid to move about; and his memory retention is that of a man in his prime!
So why was my grandpa in such a state?!
Seeing my grandpa like that really took me over the edge. My mind was fucking me up real bad with thoughts of him dying; and being the emotional guy that I am, those thoughts were effective in breaking me down.
I still remember running out of the ward crying, and having my uncle to calm me down only after 10 minutes or so. I knew I had to stay strong for gramps' sake, but I couldn't believe the strongest elderly man I know (physically and mentally) could be reduced to such a state in a matter of hours! It was only hours before that that he went to the provision shop to get bread and kaya. I swear, it was the most heart-breaking sight I have ever had to witness to.
The second time I broke down was when gramps perform his pre-dawn prayers. When he prayed for his family's welfare, and for us to always be safe and protected, I couldn't take it any longer. I turned away from him and cried silently.
The next day, we had gramps discharged upon his request, even though the doctors were reluctant to sign the release forms. Suprisingly, he got better afterwards. As the days passed, his condition got so much better.
Gramps' an amazing guy, he really is. He went from healthy to near-fatal in a matter of hours, and bounced right back in a matter of days.
Yes, I know I've always complained about him irritating me and all that shit. To be honest, he's back to that right now, but I'd rather have a grandfather who keeps bugging me than not having him around at all. I love him to bits, and I know he'd always love his first grandson the most of all his grandkids.
I could see cobwebs forming.
I could see them nasty roaches chasing one another ala a bollywood scene.
But most importantly...
I could still hear Hari Raya songs playing; in April!!
(Bangs head on table)
Well, forget all that cos' the bitch is back! :)
I know it's been an awfully long time since I last updated, and quite frankly, I may have more things to say than I could actually bother to type! Well, that's the reason why I stopped blogging in the first place!
I mean, procrastination led to more procrastination - which led to the no. of posts piling up by the day - and before I knew it, I was too lazy to blog about anything at all!
Well, let's cut the long story short and get right down to my life over the past 5 months now, shall we?
From where I last left you, I was still running the family's business. Well, that's no longer the case, and it's not just because of NS. (On a side tangent, I've been in NS for 3 months now, but let's save the CD-bitching till later yeah?)
Back to the family business, I decided to relinquish my post about 1 month and a half earlier than expected, and you know that could only mean one thing - drama!
Well, it all happened in the midst of the whole Hari Raya festive season lah. It was at my eldest uncle's open house. I was halfway through a meal when his wife asked "So, Man, what do you plan to do after NS?"
Just as I was about to answer her, my uncle (the one running the business) cut in to say "Alah, no need to think so much lah. Best thing for you to do is to finish up your 2 years, and after that, fully take over the business!"
That statement shocked the hell outta me. Seriously, I was really caufght off-guard by his response. So much so that I no longer had the appetite to finish my meal.
Long story short, I decided to come clean to the family about my plans for after NS. I could tell they were somewhat shocked, but at the same time, they weren't surprised.
I mean, I shocked my entire family when I decided to withdraw from Poly to pursue my passion for acting. Hence, it came to no (or little) surprise that 2 years since I made that decision, I still chose my passion over another "career path".
My uncle got the worst of it, though. He was so shocked and disappointed that he didn't talk to me throughout the rest of the day; and it would stay that way till 2 months later when grandpa fell really ill.
Speaking of which, grandpa's sudden illness came as a surprise to us all, and frankly, it's something I never want to go through again. Period.
It was like any other Friday evening. I had just got back from my (then) part-time job as a trainer, and knowing Maman, I hate to be disturbed when I'm all tired out from work. It was right after dusk and grandpa was about to finish performing his prayers. That was the last time I saw him being his normal self.
5 minutes afterwards, just before grandma could perform her prayers, she came knocking on my door and said my grandpa was complaining that he felt cold. Initially, I thought that it was probably nothing, and he probably just wanted my attention or something, but when I came into the room and saw him shivering, I knew he wasn't joking, neither was he faking it cos for one, the shivering was too real to be faked by an 86-year old man who wasn't suffering from Arthritis or Parkinsons Disease!
I placed the palm of my hand on his forehead, and it was cold. I placed it on his neck, and it was just as cold. When I touched his hands, it was freezing cold. That immediately alarmed me.
I called my eldest aunt to come over immediately and I also called for an ambulance. Boiled some water to dab on his face and hands, and while waiting, I rushed back to his side.
My lord, the man was lying down in a stuffy room underneath 2 blankets and 3 layers of sweaters, and he was still shivering! To make things worse, all the man could talk about was death, and how he felt that it was his time to go!
How would you, as a grandchild, feel/react when your grandpa looks you in the eyes and say "I'm about to go. I think it's time."
As much as I was metaphorically shittin in my pants, I knew I had to stay calm for my grandma's sake. One glance and I knew that she was shittin in her pants too. Granny has a really soft heart, so seeing her husband of almost 60 years be in that state must've really been hard for her.
Anyway, once we got to the hospital, everything seemed fine. Gramps was in the observation room, and was seemingly recovering. Or so we thought.
Gramps got warded and not long after, we all headed back to my place to discuss grandpa's condition, and what could be done, especially with regards to his high blood pressure.
15 mins into our family discussion, the phone rang.
"Hello, Aman. Datang sini tolong Atuk. Atuk dari tadi cari bilik air rumah kita, tapi tak jumpa-jumpa. Dapur rumah kita Atuk nampak, tapi bilik air tak jumpa-jumpa pulak."
(Hello, Aman. Help me find our bathroom. I've been searching for it since just now, but I can't seem to find it. I can see our kitchen, but I can't seem to find our bathroom.)
"...Errrr... Errrrr.... Okay, okay. Atuk tunggu. Kejap lagi Maman sampai."
(Hold on. I'll be there in a while.)
"We need to go back to the hospital. Something's not right with grandpa."
Long story short, apparently the medication prescribed by the doctor was really strong as gramps' BP was really high then, therefore causing gramps to slip into temporary dementia, and that contributed to that night being the worst night I have ever had in my soon-to-be 21 years. (Fyi, 2 of my uncles and I insisted on staying over to look after him.)
Here's the thing; my grandpa loves being warded. I know it sounds weird, but yes, the old man loves it; simply cos' that's when he'd get to see distant relatives whom, otherwise, we only get to see during the festive season, weddings or funerals; but that night he kept wanting to go home, so much so that he barely had any sleep! He kept pointing out that we wants to go back to use our bathroom instead of the one in the hospital, which was at the other end of the ward.
Oh, and when he said he could "find our kitchen", it was actually the Staff Pantry, but the medication led him into thinking that it was out kitchen!
"What's happening to my grandpa? Why's he suddenly behaving as though he's... senile?"
My grandfather's 87, and besides his high blood pressure, he is a fit and healthy man! He's not diabetic; he doesn't have heart-related problems; he has never required a walking aid to move about; and his memory retention is that of a man in his prime!
So why was my grandpa in such a state?!
Seeing my grandpa like that really took me over the edge. My mind was fucking me up real bad with thoughts of him dying; and being the emotional guy that I am, those thoughts were effective in breaking me down.
I still remember running out of the ward crying, and having my uncle to calm me down only after 10 minutes or so. I knew I had to stay strong for gramps' sake, but I couldn't believe the strongest elderly man I know (physically and mentally) could be reduced to such a state in a matter of hours! It was only hours before that that he went to the provision shop to get bread and kaya. I swear, it was the most heart-breaking sight I have ever had to witness to.
The second time I broke down was when gramps perform his pre-dawn prayers. When he prayed for his family's welfare, and for us to always be safe and protected, I couldn't take it any longer. I turned away from him and cried silently.
The next day, we had gramps discharged upon his request, even though the doctors were reluctant to sign the release forms. Suprisingly, he got better afterwards. As the days passed, his condition got so much better.
Gramps' an amazing guy, he really is. He went from healthy to near-fatal in a matter of hours, and bounced right back in a matter of days.
Yes, I know I've always complained about him irritating me and all that shit. To be honest, he's back to that right now, but I'd rather have a grandfather who keeps bugging me than not having him around at all. I love him to bits, and I know he'd always love his first grandson the most of all his grandkids.
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