Pop That Booty - Dangdut Style!

Went to get myself a drink in the kitchen when I noticed my grandparents watching a Live Dangdut concert on RTM 1 in the living room last Sunday; and almost instantly, I found myself engrossed in the show too!

Seeing such heavyweights like Mas Idayu and Sheeda singing and gelek-ing(?) on stage really brought back memories of my Primary School days - back when Dangdut was way more popular than R&B is today!

Therefore, in tribute to Dangdut itself, I decided to compile a playlist of popular Dangdut songs for the listening pleasure of you, my dearest readers.

Those who vividly recall the Dangdut era would definitely find most of the songs familiar; and yes, of course I had to include the (now) anthem Yang Tersayang by Amelina & Iwan (cue: Ewah, ewah, ewah!), as well as hits like Cintaku 100% and Dag, Dig, Dug.

Oh, I am missing one hit track though, thanks to the stupid 30-second rule on Imeem. Does anyone out there have Senggol-senggolan, Cubit-cubitan by Mas Idayu? If you do, could you kindly send it to me on MSN, so that I can upload it to the playlist as well? Thanks!

In the meantime... Let's GELEK!!!! ;)

Random Rambling

One Shot: That's all you've got; and quite frankly, all you'll ever get.

18 Months

Today also marks 18 months since KS and I went our separate ways.

It's been one helluva year and a half, to say the least.

I had actually wanted to commemorate the occasion by asking him out for dinner, and then surprising him with a little "break-up anniversary" gift; but unfortunately, he's got some school-related commitment to attend to.

Oh well...

To my dear KS, just in case you're wondering, that's the reason why I so eagerly wanted to meet you for dinner tonight. And yes, I was thinking of having dinner at your favourite Nasi Lemak stall at Holland Village.

Once again, oh well...

"I wouldn't be surprised if I'm still single this time next year.
Really, there's no one quite like him."
-- Maman to Ms. Tjut Roslinda

6 Down, 18 To Go.

Todays marks exactly 6 months since my enlistment.

It'll only be another 18 months before I can finally shout "ORD OH!" to my juniors, but unlike most others, I'm really enjoying life in NS; so I don't mind waiting, really.

When they said that National Service
is "the best time in a Man's life",
...They weren't kidding.

12 Months

"To be frank, the past 4 months hasn't exactly been smooth sailing for me. I'm kinda tortured by this girl. I feel like crying. Really damn sian. I so wanna give up. There's really no one who can love or take care of me the way you did. Haiz."

"...maybe it's just karma. I wasted 1 year of your life. Now it's my turn to feel the pain."

"Now we're both lonely, knowing that the best love we had was the one we shared; but sadly is not a possible one."

"...thanks for the listening ear, Maman. You're still the best I had."

---

These were some of the messages I received from my (dearest) 2nd ex, KS. It's been almost 18 months since our break-up; and though we're both over it, we're both aware that deep down, there's no one who could possibly take the place of the other. We're both also well aware that, despite this fact, the love we once shared could never be ignited again.

It took me 12 months to get over him for he was an honest and sincere boyfriend who, despite his busy schedule, dedicated all his love and affection to me; and was one who really treasured all the love I gave to him. It's also no surprise that with him, I was able to completely let my guard down without any reservations nor hesitations.

Let's also not discount the fact that, albeit dating 4 others before him, he was the only man who was able to hold my hand and walk me out of the fears which had completely consume me; an aftermath of my break-up with Adi.

I was the first man he dated. I was the first man he got into a relationship with. I was the first man to show him what true love really is.

He was the first man to lead me out of my fears. He was the first man to heal my pain. He was the first man to make me believe in love again.

Despite having opposite personalities, I dare say that we were a match made in heaven; but sadly, the undying love we had and shared was not meant to be.

I would be lying if I were to say that my feelings for him have completely faded off. I know very well that - for a fact - that little corner in my heart will always have his name tattooed on it; regardless of how many relationships I get into in the future.

I would also never deny the fact that, given the chance, I would give everything up to have him back in my arms once again; even though I know that, one day, I will have to let him go once again.

This is probably one of the reasons why I'm still single and lonely after almost 18 months; because deep down, I know that should I finally have someone to fill the void in my heart, he would need to have all the qualities I look for - of which the standards were all set and/or raised by KS himself.

All I can do now is to pray for his happiness; that one day, he will find a girl who's worthy of his love and dedication for life. Even though I know I can make him happy. Even though I know... that that'd be the only thing to make me happy once again.

I.. I... Ugh, I think it's best that I end here. Shedding buckets full of tears is the last thing I want to do right now. I shall leave this entry with the following song.

The sad song my tears sang for 12 months.

The sad song that still plays in that little corner of my heart.

---

Stay With Me
by Danity Kane

Raindrops fall from everywhere
I reach out for you, but you're not there
So I stood, waiting, in the dark
With your picture in my hand
Story of a broken heart

Stay with me
Don't let me go
Cause I can't be without you
Just stay with me
And hold me close
Because I've built my world around you
And I don't wanna know what's it like without you
So stay with me
Just stay with me

I'm trying and hoping for the day
When my touch is enough
To take the pain away
Cause I've searched for so long
The answer is clear
We'll be OK if we don't let it disappear

Stay with me
Don't let me go
Cause I can't be without you
Just stay with me
And hold me close
Because I've built my world around you
And I don't wanna know what's it like without you
So stay with me
Just stay with me

I've searched my heart over
So many many times
No you-and-I is like no stars to light the sky at night
Our picture hangs out of tune
Remind me of the days
You promised me we'd always be
And never go away
That's why I need you to stay

Stay with me
Don't let me go
Cause I can't be without you
Just stay with me
And hold me close
Because I've built my world around you
And I don't wanna know what's it like without you
So stay with me
Just stay with me

Don't leave
So I stay waiting in the dark...

Swarmed, Minus The Bees

Did you read the news on the Emergency Detrainment Exercise at City Hall MRT, which was conducted in the middle of the night and was participated by over 300 students?

I was a part of that.

Did you read the news on the Emergency Preparedness Day Exercise participated by the residents of Kolam Ayer at Geylang Bahru?

I was a part of that.

Did you read the news on the Emergency Preparedness Day Exercise participated by the residents of Jalan Besar at Jellicoe Road?

I was a part of that.

---

These activities merely make up a fraction of the activities I was involved with over the past month at work. It's been exhausting, to say the very least. Besides the 3 activities mentioned above, I was also involved with other community-based events held in several constituencies, Fire Safety Days and Work Safety Days; all that, on top of the CEPP lessons my team members and I have to carry out, both in and outside of camp.

Oh, and speaking of lessons, my department has just completed a 4-day training course for the entire sec 2 level of Dunman High School. It was extremely tiring, having to teach so many students at a time, and also having to discipline them.

Now that most of it's over, I find myself swarmed with administrative work. Swarmed, I tell you!

I've just completed the CEPP monthly report, which then leaves me with the Department Monthly Report, the Public Service 21 report, and the Quality Service Initiatives report! On top of that, I've also got tons of data entry to do, and also an archiving assignment to complete.

Oh and if that's not enough, I now have to write the script for the next Emergency Preparedness Day, which I've got to submit today!

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Oh oh oh, guess what? If all that work's not enough to already make me scream, I've also gotta work over the weekend at 2 community-based activities; and later on in the afternoon, I'll be heading down to Jurong Island to conduct lessons on First Aid, CPR and Fire Fighting to the staff of ExxonMobil, which is expected to go on till 10 in the evening.

I'm really happy being where I am today for I've got good superiors and (pretty) good colleagues, of which more than half are quite dependable; but the workload, especially the paperwork, is really something that's making me real crazy (and temperamental) at the moment.

Here's a piece of info before I end off - The last time I was on off was on the 16th, and the next would only be on the 3rd of next month - In other words, that's working back-to-back for 16 days straight, leaving very little time for the other areas of commitment in my life.

With a work schedule like this, it's no wonder my love life's non-existent! Urgh!

The Beginning of A New Milestone

My 21st birthday celebrations went really well, and before I start in on the details, I'd just like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for the well-wishes, the hugs, and most importantly, the presents! Nyeh heh heh! ;)

The first few celebrations took place over the weekend before my actual birthday itself. Let's see; for starters, my family had a feast for me; then I had a nice karaoke session with Nizam and the Sembawang bunch; had a mini party over at Diah's place; and of course, my 2 celebrations at Powerhouse.

The first was on the Fabulous Bling Bling night. By the time I got there, it was already close to midnight, and the queue outside was c-r-a-z-y. But of course, as you'd probably know, queues have never been a bother for me when it came to St James.

There were those who had to be in the queue for hours before entering, but it only took 5 minutes for yours truly (and my friends) to get in! It sure pays to be a VIP of the club; and not to mention, a close friend of the DJ himself! ;)

Anyway, that Sunday night at St James was really crazy, and yes it's a good thing. True to my nature, I got myself drunk as I did for my past 2 birthdays. Well, not pissed drunk, no. I drank to the point where I knew the high's just right. Getting myself pissed drunk is usually saved for my actual birthday itself.

And as I've mentioned above, pissed drunk I was on my actual birthday celebrations, which was held at Powerhouse once again on Ladies' Nite. Okay, the whole getting pissed drunk part was all courtesy of our dear Miss Pei Wen who kept feeding me alcohol like it was running tap water! Oh did I mention, I ended up smooching this really really really cute guy! Yes, on Ladies' Nite! Sorry ladies! Hur hur hur... But sadly, in the midst of it all, I actually forgot to get his number! Aargh!

And oh, to my dearest Ms "tAK", which part of the club were you at? I tried looking for you and Darius, but I didn't even see anyone who looked anything close to the 2 of you! By the way, my whole group was seated by the bar, just behind the podium on the left.

Well, it's been a slightly over a month since my birthday. I've officially stepped into a new milestone in my life; and as I do every year, I've set myself new goals and new aspirations for this new chapter in my life.

And Maman said to his laptop...

"Let there be life!"

The past month and a half has been miserable without my dearest lappie, which decided to die a few days after my last blog entry.

My endless thanks to Ain, who spent time repairing it for me despite her hectic schedule! You really are a computer genius! Thanks, girl! Love you deep deep! :)

Although lappie's running really slowly, and keeps lagging, I'm more than thankful that, at the very least, it's still able to work! :)

Boyz 2 Men

Since my enlistment 4 months ago, almost everyone I know have been asking, "So, what is it exactly that you do in Civil Defence?"

Most of the time, my response has been "You don't really wanna know"; simply to spare myself the trouble of getting into the fine details of my job scope.

Well, for those who have been, or are still, curious, let me now take this opportunity to explain in detail what it is exactly I do; day in, day out.

As most of you would know, I am in the Public Affairs Branch of SCDF's 1^st Division.

On the surface, I am a certified Public Education Instructor; meaning, I go around teaching organizations in both the corporate and public sectors, grassroot organizations, academic institutions and the general public on the fundementals of Civil Defence through our Community Emergency Preparedness Programme, or CEPP for short.

The CEPP consists of 5 modules: First Aid; CPR; Fire Fighting and Evacuation; Emergency Procedures; as well as Unconventional Threats.

Having worked in numerous Education and Community Outreach projects in my 1 1/2 years in theatre, this part of my job is a piece of cake, actually. I've never had difficulties being in front of a crowd; as long as I know the contents of my tutorials well.

Besides being a PEI, I also take charge of most of the administrative work in my department. This is the root of most of my job-related stress, to be frank.

Not only am I required to perform data-entry duties, I'm also required to prepare the monthly department report, both the weekly and monthly CEPP reports, the monthly Commander's meeting powerpoint slides, as well as the annual work plan powerpoint slides. On top of that, I'm also required to vet through other important documents with regards to the CDECs in the 23 constituencies which fall under our Division. To add on, I also assist my Assistant Community Involvement Officers with their paperwork, as and when they need it.

If that's not enough, I'm also the unofficial photographer and emcee of my Division. Hell, I even ran double-duty during the last Commander's Parade; something which, as I've come to find out, has never been done before by any NSF in my department - past or present.

Daunting as it may seem, I'm actually glad to be in this position; for not only does it discipline me in my work ethics, but it also creates a platform to stretch my potential - thus, creating more avenues to excel and shine in.

Looking at the previous batches of NSFs, I realized that I've not come across 1 personnel who was proficient both in the office, as well as on the training field.

Though I personally believe that I have yet to reach that level of greatness, I'm determined that, with a little bit more effort, I'm well on my way of achieving that ultimate goal.

Besides, there are perks to being, arguably, the busiest NSF in the department.

For starters, my welfare has always been extra taken care of. I've never had any request for a day's off rejected; I've been treated to meals by the Head of my department, my Public Education Officer, and my ACIOs - a gesture I take as a form of acknowledgement of my performance at work; and the best part of it all, I've constantly been given the green light to do my work, my way - without having to conform to the SOP of the Force.

That, in my opinion, has always been the source of envy in the eyes of most of the boys in my department; to the point where my rapport with the officers have been the centre of their bitch fests.

Also, being a PEI, I get to shake hands and rub shoulders with MPs from the various GRCs - something most people don't get to do ever so often.

Hence, it leaves me to wonder - why do most of the boys shudder at the thought of stepping into my shoes?

Sure, the shitload of work's enough to make you jump off a cliff; but, with those perks and more, why not let that be a form of motivation to do better?

If there's one thing I've learnt through my mistakes in the past is that there's always time for play, as long as you know when it's time for work.

National Service is where "Boys Turn into Men".

That said... Have YOU grown up yet?

Counting Down

It's officially 2 weeks to my 21^st birthday.

I know some of you may already know this, but for the sake of everyone else, I'll just make this official - I will be having 2 birthday celebrations!

---

The first celebration would be a pre-birthday affair at Powerhouse, St James Power Station on the 18^th of May. Coincidentally, that night would also be the Fabulous Bling Bling night; so come on, show off your bling and party the night away with yours truly as I celebrate my birthday with the rest of the Fabulous crowd.

In case you're wondering, yes, I'm making this an open invititation to all my friends and acquaintances! No guest lists, no formal invitations. Just a shout-out to everyone and anyone (who knows me) out there! But don't forget the presents though! Haha!

And oh, for those who've been living under a rock for the past year and a half, Sundays' Gay Night at Powerhouse, but don't let that deter you from coming down, especially to all my straight guy-friends! :)

---

My second celebration would be held on my actual birthday itself - May 21^st.

This would be a double-celebration - Yours truly turning 21, and my beloved godsis Cyna turning 30 - something we've wanted to do since last year! Anyway, I wanted it, on my part at least, to be an intimate affair with my loved ones at a not-so-intimate location, so for this, I'll only be inviting my close friends and loved ones.

For those who've already been invited, I really hope you can make it on that night. And as for those who haven't, too bad. ;)

Oh by the way, could Ms "tAK", Ms Mardiana Sabtu and Mr Stanley Ng please pm me over at msn? I wanna pass you the details of the party. :)

...And Now, The Conclusion.

"Maman is mentally and emotionally exhausted ...because of you."

"Don't make me play the part you think I am."

"...you already are."


These were the nicks displayed on both mine and Farid's MSN messengers respectively. I had a hunch that something big was brewing; that the fireworks were about to go off anytime soon - and they finally did.

Farid had wanted to know of the contents of my conversation with Danial on Saturday morning. I replied by saying that whatever that were said between Dan and I shall stay between Dan and I, leaving only with "I now know. So does he."

He wouldn't accept that, and started accusing me of spreading shit about him, and yet not having the balls to say it to his face. Well, my only retort was for him to get a mirror, because if everyone else can see it, there shouldn't be any reason for him not to.

Hell, everybody knows what happened beween him and I. They were there over the months, seeing him lead me on at one instant, and ignoring my feelings the next. They saw me cry almost every other week. I've got that many people as witnesses who saw the whole thing with their own eyes. Who or what does he have in his defense?

No need to play the sick puppy no more, hun. Like how I ended our half-hour tiff, I shall end the same way here.

"You'll see this one day. Hell, you'll go through it. Believe me when I say this, because I've been in those shoes before. Thank you, and goodbye."

With that, I deleted him off my msn list for good; thus, closing this chapter once and for all.

Am I sad? A little, I shan't deny.

But am I relieved? Oh hell yeah!

As most of my friends would know, it only takes one discovery of an act of betrayal for me to forget someone completely. Time and time again, I've shown just how cold I can be to erase every bit of memory of that person at the snap of a finger. As of now, you're one of them.


Thank you for making me believe again.

Thank you for making me lose all beliefs.

Thank you for making me feel again.

Thank you for making me cold again.

Thank you for the laughter.

Thank you for the tears.

Thank you for reminding me that I was once a bastard you.

Thank you for shedding some light on the man I've become today.

...and with that, goodbye.

This Story Has Reached Its Climax

Was at Play with the usual bunch on Friday; where I was introduced to this guy by the name of Danial. He was also introduced to me as the guy Raihan was dating.

We (all) drank and danced the night away. Barely hours after getting to know him, I soon realized that Danial wasn't exactly on good terms with alcohol, because he got drunk only after a couple of drinks! Haha!

Anyway, one thing led to another, and before I knew it, we were both dancing together on the podium. At that point, the dance pretty much meant nothing to me because he was the guy Raihan was dating, or so I thought; but I shan't get into details about that. With all due respect to Danial, I'm sure you guys can pretty much guess where I'm going with this.

Moving right along, while we were at the smoking area, something happened. No, make that 2 things.

First of all, Danial and I kissed. I'm sure you guys saw this coming the moment I first mentioned his name, right? Haha! But no, seriously, it wasn't something I had planned on - It just happened!

Well, as it may have appeared, my night was going well. Near perfect, if I could say so myself. Then came the plunge.

"You wanna know something? I think I kinda like Farid; and from the signs he's been showing, I think he kinda likes me too."

If there were a moment where I'd willingly stand before a moving train, that would be it! I mean, here's a guy whom I was introduced to as Raihan's "current" beau, and here he is barely hours after our first introduction, had his tongue in my mouth!

If you think the picture's not screwed enough as it is, wait - it doesn't end there! Here he is again, barely minutes after having his tongue in my mouth, and vice versa, telling me that he "kinda likes" the guy I've been deeply in love with; not to mention, been crying myself trying to get over, for the last few months!

As what Megan Mullally's character in Will & Grace once said, "Which lever do I pull to get hit by a safe??"

That pretty much screwed my entire night. I left him at the smoking area with Buzar and went back into the club - crying, yet again.

After much self-persuasion, I decided that I will not let another bullet to the heart affect an, otherwise, wonderful night out. Siti, being the darling that she is, decided to cheer me up with booze, and last drink definitely hit me at the right spot!

After clubbing, Danial, Ewan, Aliff, Buzar and myself decided to hang around at Maxwell to chat till morning. We shared lots of intersting stories about ourselves, and though it got deeper by the minute, we didn't stop. Then came the bonus-round, lottery-striking question: "What's the whole deal between Farid and I?"

That was when I decided to bring Danial over to another table and tell him everything that has happened over the last few months - both good and bad.

Yes, Farid was never mine to begin with. We were never in a relationship, neither did we ever date; but over the past few months, there I was in the background - still holding on. Still waiting for him to have a change of heart. Still waiting for him to be ready, and even Danial agreed that that's more than a good-enough reason for me to be affected by his revelations.

I told him everything that he needed to know - how we first met, when I first realized I was in love with him, how I tried to prove my sincerity to him, how everyone then saw him leading me on - so on and so forth.

He then went on to tell me everything I needed to know about whatever that was going on between him and Farid. From the "signs" that Farid was apparently showing, it became clear to me that those "signs" Danial had mentioned of were similar to what Farid had showed me then.

It was then that I realised that the whole Danial-Farid skit was turning into a remake of the whole Maman-Farid episode. In that instance, I also realized that it was my duty, if you will, to break it to Danial - It's not worth it.

I shall talk about the ramifications of our conversation in my next post, but for now, let me just leave by saying that knowing of this whole Danial-Farid skit has brought upon the same result as when I first knew of the things Adi did behind my back - I have completely moved on.

:)

My Lucky Number

I'd be turning 21 in 21 days on May 21.

:)

Something Adi Never Cared Enough To Know.

When Adi thought my frequent collapses and clutching of the chest following our (even more) frequent fights were all an act, this was what was really going on with my heart.


Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome (WPW)

Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome (WPW) is a syndrome of pre-excitation of the ventricles of the heart due to an accessory pathway known as the bundle of Kent. This accessory pathway is an abnormal electrical communication from the atria to the ventricles.

While the vast majority of individuals with a bundle of Kent remain asymptomatic throughout their entire lives, there is a risk of sudden death associated with the syndrome. Sudden death due to WPW syndrome is due to the effect of the accessory pathway on tachyarrhythmias in these individuals.


Now tell me, which caring and devoted boyfriend would dismiss a life-threatening condition as "an attention-seeking stunt"?? That said, I'd willingly pay $50 to anyone who could give me one less reason not to hate him. Any takers?

Hur hur hur...

Yayness!

I see the rain settling down.

I see the sky clearing.

Yes, this is the end of the storm.


The stressful period at work has officially ended - for now.

I'm expecting the next one to come on May 26 when I return back to work from Leave.

That's SCDF's way of wishing me "Happy Birthday". :)

What Mom Has To Say

Maman:
Guess what? Adi blogged about the time he bumped into you at CityLink.

Mother:
Oh really? What did he say?

Maman:
He said he was surprised.

Mother:
Oh, I was surprised to see him there too.

Maman:
No, he was surprised over how nice you were to him, especially since you gave him the cold shoulder during the time when he and I were really close.

Mother:
I don't get you.

Maman:
He mentioned that, at first, you were all nice and sweet to him; but as the 2 of us got closer, you were kinda cold towards him. So when you were all nice to him when he bumped into you at CityLink, it came as a surprise.

Mother:
Well, you no longer have frequent chest pains like you did before, right? So, I see no reason to still be mad at him.

Maman:
Even after he said that you were cold cos' you were self-conscious about him snatching me away from you?

Mother:
He said that??

Maman:
You think?!

Mother:
Eh tak malu nya! He actually thinks that he could actually come between me and my son?! Who does he think he is; my future daughter-in-law?!

Maman:
That's exactly why I told you not to waste your time talking to stray dogs!

Mother:
Boy, be nice. Whatever that happened between the 2 of you is in the past. Let it go.

Maman:
After everything that he has done and has put me through? Never.

Mother:
Boy, haven't I always taught you to forgive and forget?

Maman:
So, would you ever forgive Father for everything he did 19 years ago?!

Mother:
...

Maman:
My point exactly.

What Hurts The Most

I've always loved this song, because I've always felt that the words sang the sad song of my relationship with KS - a love that was cut short due to unavoidable circumstances.

Once again, this same song has drained me of my tears; for I believe that it now also sings the sad song of my love for Farid - A love that could've achieved so much, but sadly, was never meant to be from the start.

'Nuff said. Watch the video.
(If you're currently depressed as it is, get ready to dwell in melancholy)



P/S: I'm still in the getting-over stage, so pardon the excessively emo entry. And oh, expect a few more along the way.

On a final note

Guess who I saw in my living room the moment I got back from work earlier on?

Abdul Hamid Bin Ismail; also known in my birth certificate as my father.

Needless to say, his presence was automatically ignored by yours truly. :)



P/S: ...and now, I'm off to bed.

Out with it.

Long conversation with my "Bitch Buddy #04" ahead, so hold on tight!


Bitch Buddy #04:
Babe!! Your dearest ex dissed you again!

Maman:
Ugh... What is it this time?

Bitch Buddy #04:
This one involves your MOTHER!

Maman:
Sonuvva bitch!!! What did that bastard say about my mom?!?!

Bitch Buddy #04:
No no no! He talked about the time he bumped into her.

Maman:
Oh, that I know. My mom told me about it.

Bitch Buddy #04:
She did? And what was your reaction?

Maman:
Nothin much, really. Just told her not to waste her time talking to stray dogs.

Bitch Buddy #04:
Ouch!

Maman:
You know me. Anyway, what else did he say?

Bitch Buddy #04:
He was saying about how your mom was, at first, all warm and sweet to him; and when the 2 of you got closer, she became cold towards him.

Maman:
She has every reason to.

Bitch Buddy #04:
Really? Why?

Maman:
Tell you later. You go on first.

Bitch Buddy #04:
Okok. Then he was sayin it's weird that now that you're both not on talking terms, she's suddenly all warm and sweet again.

Maman:
She was just being polite.

Bitch Buddy #04:
Really??? Tell me more!

Maman:
After you.

Bitch Buddy #04:
Aargh! Anyway, he concluded that the reason why your mom was cold towards him then was only because she was self-conscious about him taking you away from her.

Maman:
Bullshit. As I would've expected, he's still so full of himself. Guess some things really don't change.

Bitch Buddy #04:
You don't expect dogs to suddenly turn into cats now, do you? Anyway, tell me what you need to tell me!

Maman:
Oh where do I start?! ;)

Bitch Buddy #04:
Well, you could start from the back, just the way I like it!

Maman:
Haha! You slut! Wellllll... Let me start by saying that the only time my mother would ever accuse someone of stealing her baby boy away from her would be the day I step onto the dais; and what are the chances of that happening?!

Bitch Buddy #04:
Haha! Good point there! So, why was she cold then?

Maman:
You really wanna know?

Bitch Buddy #04:
Bring it on, bitch!

Maman:
When she first gave the cold shoulder, it was because she suspected of us being a couple. From a different context, I'd say that's fair play, because his mom did the same to me.

Bitch Buddy #04:
She did?!

Maman:
Oh, he never mentioned that? Why should I be surprised? Ha!

Bitch Buddy #04:
Okay, Mister. This convo has officially caught on fire! Go on!

Maman:
Wahaha! Well, at least my mom was nice to him. His mom was never once nice to me. From the day I first stepped into his house, his mom gave me such bad vibes, but I don't blame her, really.

Bitch Buddy #04:
Why not?!

Maman:
The chemistry Adi and I had then was totally out of this world. It was so strong that even a blind man would've thought that we were a couple! That said, why shouldn't it be worrisome for a mother to know that her son's sharing such an amazing bond with another man?!

Bitch Buddy #04:
You've got a point there.

Maman:
Precisely. And it came naturally that that was what my mom initially felt too. Her dislike towards him grew only when she saw certain changes in me.

Bitch Buddy #04:
What kinda changes?

Maman:
Since I was little, my mom was always on the fence whenever it came to showering love onto me - she never spoilt me, but she was never too hard on me either. That's only because she knew she had to play the role of a mother and a father at the same time. Therefore, just like what my grandparents, aunts and uncles did, she taught me to be strong; and when she saw her son turn into an emotional timebomb, she knew it could only be the work of one person - the person who had the strongest influence in my life then; Adi.

Bitch Buddy #04:
So what did she do?

Maman:
She secretly got updates from my grandma. When grandma told her of the constant fights Adi and I got into, and the frequency of my emotional break-downs, my mom got worried, and her dislike for Adi grew. But the cherry on top only came when I had my check-up at the National Heart Centre.

Bitch Buddy #04:
Whoa. Gettin serious here, I see.

Maman:
It is. I never once told this to any of my friends who knew of my relationship with Adi then because I was afraid they'd tell me to do the obvious - leave him for my own sake.

Bitch Buddy #04:
Well duh! I'd have told you if I knew it myself! So what was it?

Maman:
During the check-up, the specialist had a sit-down with me and asked if I was going through any stress whatsoever. I told him I was going through a rough time with my other half, and whenever we hit a rough spot, I'd always have tight, squeezing pains.

Bitch Buddy #04:
So what did the doctor say?

Maman:
He told me that the tight, squeezing pains I felt were caused by palpitations, which roots to the WPW snydrome I'm suffering from. This would be quite alright should I only be suffering from WPW. Fact is, I'm not. Besides WPW, I'm also suffering from MVP; and apparently, the pressure my heart was taking was too much that it had caused the overflow of blood in my left ventricle to further worsen.

Bitch Buddy #04:
So your heart was pumping even more blood than it needed to lah?

Maman:
Bingo. That's why I frequently fell flat onto the floor while immediately clutching my chest whenever Adi and I fought. He thought that it was drama on my part. If only he knew what was really going on.

Bitch Buddy #04:
What an ass! Hun, perhaps it's about time you spill the beans on the all the shit you found out about him.

Maman:
You mean the shit he did while we were still together?

Bitch Buddy #04:
Mmm hmmm!

Maman:
And why should I do that?

Bitch Buddy #04:
So everyone would know the truth! How dare he play the part of the sick puppy when he was clearly the demented bitch?! And to think he called you a burden!

Maman:
When?

Bitch Buddy #04:
In his entry lah!

Maman:
Well, some people were born with a conscience while others have to put on a pretense to make up for that one missing element in their lives.

Bitch Buddy #04:
You sound reluctant to dish the dirt. Hmmm?

Maman:
Not that I'm reluctant, but I find it pointless. Really. Babe, it's been almost 2 1/2 years since we broke up, and from the time we did, it took me less than 2 months to get over that no-good bastard. On the other hand, it took me a whole year to get over KS; and note that we were only together for a few months!

Bitch Buddy #04:
Why's that?

Maman:
First of all, I was up to HERE with everything that went on in our relationship. The emotional torment, the drama, the bla bla blas - I was sick of all that. I wanted to break free. Hell, I needed to! Plus, getting to know of the shit he did behind my back really speeded up the recovery. One by one, the news just poured in; and as they did, I took a step away from him. Babe, need I remind you of how he pleaded me to accept him back into my life? Hey, I still have that Nick Hornby book he bought me as proof, you know?

Bitch Buddy #04:
You mean that pathetic Valentines' Day gift he gave you?

Maman:
Err ya. Haha! Just spare a moment to think - Why would he go on his knees if he were the one who really walked out of the relationship, as he proclaimed he did? Why did he pester me to accept his proposal if I was such a burden, as he said I was? Why was he so eager to have me back to the point where he actually gave me a deadline to answer him by, if I were, truly, a "bundle of burden"?

Bitch Buddy #04:
WTF?! You've read the post?!

Maman:
Yes, babe. You weren't the first to let me know of his bullshit - which goes to show that I've got friends who really made full use of their eyes. They saw everything that went on between Adi and I, and when it was all said and done, they drew their conclusions from what they saw then; not what they read now. All the more, I see no reason to expose all that he did behind my back. I trust that those who knew of everything that went on in our relationship would be smart enough to figure out who's telling the truth; whereas for those who didn't, they can be fooled by the glib talker Adi is - I couldn't care less.

Bitch Buddy #04:
Why the fuck not? The bastard's trying to ruin your reputation!

Maman:
Is it really ruined; when those who've endorsed his propaganda are people whom I don't even know?! You do the thinking.

Bitch Buddy #04:
I hate it that you're always one step ahead of me!

Maman:
;)


P/S: To the rest of my bitches, don't worry about me. Instead, worry about what Karma'll do to him. ;)

Didn't See This Coming!

Lisa:
Babe, how did we get to know each other again? And how long ago was that?

Maman:
IRC. Since our band-geek days? Hmmm... I'd say, 7 years?

Lisa:
Omg! Lol!

Maman:
Why'd you ask?

Lisa:
Didn't you have girlfriends in secondary school?

Maman:
Yea I did, even though none of them came from the same school as I did. Why?

Lisa:
LOL!!! Well, it just occured to me - How did you bring yourself to have girlfriends when you clearly knew that you were gay all along?

Maman:
Babe, I'm not entirely gay; nor am I bisexual lah - I'm a biemotional homosexual.

Lisa:
Huh?!

Maman:
Means that; emotionally, I can feel and fall for both genders; but when it comes to physical or sexual attraction, I can only "stand" when it involves another man. Get it?

Lisa:
Ya I guess. So you never slept with any of your girlfriends?

Maman:
Oh hell no! I barely touched them sia!

Lisa:
LOL!! Okok thanks.

Maman:
Erm, why're you suddenly asking me on this?

Lisa:
Haha nothing nothing.

Maman:
No, really. Why?

Lisa:
Ehhh... Cos... I used to have the biggest crush on you back when we were both in Sec 4?

Maman:
...whoa

Ready.

More than ever; I'm ready to weather the storm at work, and the storm in my personal life.

Why, you ask?

Just look over to the sidebar and see what it says on my Twitter.

Hur hur hur...

Im'ma be aight.

Apapun yang terjadi
Berjalanlah tanpa henti
Air mata tertahan
Waktu untuk dijatuhkan

Nanti kita kan tahu
Betapa bijaknya hidup
Sepahit apapun ini
Pelajaran yang berarti

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apapun
Semoga mampu Ku lawan
Kesepianku

Apapun yang terjadi
Berjalanlah tanpa henti

Dato' Siti Nurhaliza - "Melawan Kesepian"

In The Eye of The Storm

The stressful period at work has officially begun, so expect hair-pulling, ice-cream-binging, alcohol-guzzling, tantrum-throwing moments for the next week and a half.

You've been warned, so make sure you don't step on my tail during this period.

Try me, if you dare.

Beautiful Nightmare

This hot, new track was recently recorded by Beyonce in the studios; and apparently, was leaked on the net soon after the final touch-ups were made!

I've been in love with this song for more than 2 weeks now, and I know just why - he is my beautiful nightmare.

"Every night I rest on my bed;
With hopes that maybe I'll get a chance
to see you when I close my eyes

I'm going out of my head
Lost in a fairytale;
Where you hold my hands, and I be your guide.

Clouds filled with stars cover your skies
And I hope it rains;
Cos' you're the perfect lullaby.

What kind of dream is this?"

The Vicious Cycle

Have you ever done something bad onto someone, only to have the same thing done onto you by somebody else?

I have.


I've always believed in Karma - that what goes around will, one day, eventually come around - even though sometimes, especially in my younger days, I've had the tendency to do things without sparing a thought of the repercussions.

There were times in my life when emotional commitment was the last thing on my agenda. I clearly remember that there were 2 periods - the time before I had met the bastard my first love, and the time following our bitch fest break-up - where I felt as above.

During these times, all I had in mind was to have fun, and to live life to the fullest without being unwillingly chained down by someone else. My life - during those periods - primarily revolved around partying, sex, alcohol, and even more partying.

In the period soon after I came out and before I had met the bastard my first love, commitment of love was of little - or no - importance in my life. Being 16-going-on-17, all I could think of was enjoying my adolescence before I "grow old" one day.

When I decided to finally break free from the bastard my first love more than 2 years ago, commitment of love was definitely the last thing I had in mind. In fact, at that point of time, death would have made a much better option! It was during that time when I had frozen all emotions associated to love and romance; while simultaneously (and sub-consciously) being taken over by fear.

Fear, after discovering all the lies and all the - for the lack of a better word - shit that the bastard my first love had done behind my back during the time that we were together, especially since these discoveries were made only after the break-up had taken place! On top of that, all the mind games, drama, blame-throwing and emotional torment were also major contributors to this fear - the fear of trusting another man ever again.

Since coming out more than 4 years ago, I've constantly had a string of admirers who patiently and persistently waited for that one chance to prove it all - that not all men are the same, and that they could potentially be the one to make me whole - but as fate would have it, they never really got that chance.

Besides fear of hurt and the desire to have maximum fun, I must say that I put most of the blame on the one thing that makes us all human - ego.

I've always had an issue with my ego when it comes to love. Don't get me wrong, though - I'm not referring to my ego when in love per se. That, I constantly make sure that it is in check as I very well know that it is the key to maintaining a healthy 2-way relationship.

No, this ego that I'm referring to... it's... hmmmm... of being desirable, and, being desired by another person. As ridiculous as it may be, it is simply something that, till today, I can not get rid of - for some reason - and I don't even know why!

To be frank, I have never once given a chance to anyone - and I mean anyone - who felt for me before I ever had the chance to feel the same way about them! The men whom I have ever pursued - or dated - were all men whom I had, at the very least, had a crush on; when - on the other hand - and at that same time, their feelings didn't amount to that of mine, or were close to nothing at all!

It's weird, I know, but I've always had an issue with people who develop feelings for me before I do! I've always felt that, being the one to reciprocate another person's love was, well, equivalent to that of being passive!

It's no lie that I have always been the one to initiate - especially when it comes to love - therefore having someone else doing the initiating, in my ego's opinion, just makes me that much less of a man!

Also, it has always been in my opinion that by taking myself out of the market too quickly, it would - believe it or not - make me less desirable to others!

Even though the very fact that I did have lots of admirers during the time I was with the bastard my first love and KS respectively is concrete enough to dispute that shallow lil' mindset of mine, I still find myself holding on to it to the point where I think it has become a principle in my life! Geez!

Above all, I still think that the biggest obstacle my ego has yet to face is the fact that Maman loves a challenge! Knowing that I can have someone whenever, wherever is somewhat of a turn-off, in my opinion. It kinda makes the person look easy, while at the same time, makes me look desperate. Once again, I know it's a weird excuse to deny one's self of finding his potential soul mate, but then again, when has my life ever been normal?

The one thing my relationships with the bastard my first love and KS had in common was the fact that I was the first boyfriend they have ever had in their lives! Heck, I didn't even have to put on that "I kinda like you like you, so I'm gonna be all nice and sweet when I'm with you" front just to attract them! All throughout the getting-to-know period, I remained myself - flaws and all - and they loved me for that!

So, if I could've changed the mindset of 2 closetted gay guys on love between 2 men, what couldn't I possibly do??

One after another, they came. The admirers, that is. They tried and they tried, but I never relented for my mind was already made up from the start. Still, I never once let them know. All I did was to simply appear nonchalant. Take it from this analogy:

The more I stayed nonchalant; the harder they tried.

The harder they tried; the easier it became to have them.

The easier it became to have them; the more "back-ups" I had.

The more "back-ups" I had; the more my ego grew.

The more my ego grew; the more I felt compelled to remain the bastard I once was.


It was only after my break-up with KS that I no longer felt the need for "back-ups" anymore; probably because with KS, I finally felt whole again.

I've been single for 15 months and 16 days now. There came a point throughout this time where I thought I'd never be able to love anyone so deeply the way I did KS, or even the bastard my first love. That was, until He came into my life.

For the first time in a long time, I actually felt and fell oh-so-deeply for someone. I honestly have no idea why I did, considering he's Malay and a year younger than I am. Everyone knows Maman swore never to fall for another malay guy after all that happened with the bastard his first love; and everyone knows Maman likes men within the age range of 24-35. So why was this kid the one?? Honestly, I still don't know; and that's how I know it's love.

"When you feel for someone but can't seem to put a finger on a reason so as to why you feel so strongly for him, that's when you know you love him."

Time passed, and feelings grew stronger; but it wasn't long before those feelings turned into an obsession - when one glance of him could light up your day; when your knees weaken by that precious smile flashes across his face; when fatigue and time are no longer excuses, just so that you could catch a glimpse of him.

But for the first time, I realized I was the only dancing to the tune; or at least that was what I felt.

Alas, I decided to straighten things out with him (pardon the pun) once and for all, and from everything that transpired from the conversation, I was determined - Karma has come full circle.

For the first time in my life, I felt what it was like to be led on. For the first time, also, I felt what it was like to invest all my emotions into something that was never meant to be from the start.

Was I upset? A little.

Was I disappointed? Sure as hell.

Was I relieved? YES.

Yes, because finally, Karma has bitten me in the ass. I knew it was a matter of time. I'm just glad it has happened now when I'm still young, rather than much later in my life.

Do I miss him? I sure do.

Do I still love him?

..

..

.....As much as I did the day I knew I was in love with him.

Dinginnya getaran asmara
Sentuhan mula bermadah
Ku tak bisa juarai
Jiwa yang ku tak punya


And from what I've heard, it appears now that the guy whom he's always had feelings for is doing the same thing onto him, cos apparently the guy's in love with someone else. Karma or not, let this be known - That despite the undying love I still have for him, I will not be his back-up plan. Perhaps, well, perhaps we were never meant to be anyway. Sigh.

Tidak kesampaian cinta kita
Ku bawa harapan, ku pendam rahsia.
Ku di kejauhan; mendoakan
Agar kau bahgia; tiada lagi duka.

Daku rela mengundur diri
Ku pasti dikau kan fahami.

All Dried Up

First, it was Irreplaceable.

Then came Tattoo.

And now, it's With You.


Ever since Beyonce (and her amazing line of producers) got the world to turn to the left, to the left; it seems like more and more Pop-R&B composer-producers are copying that success formula with the release of such singles which, in my opinion, are of similar beats.

Sure, they're instant hits, and yes I do enjoy listening to such songs; but what about some originality, people?! Sheesh!

Look at Jay-Z, Timbaland, Kanye West, John Legend and Michael Jackson. These individuals are, in my opinion, the greatest composer-producers on the face of the earth today; simply because, they have, over time, trademarked their own signature tunes and beats. That is why people easily relate certain songs (or should I say, hits) to be that of their own original works respectively.

If only there were more of such great talents around. Sigh.

Cleaning Out The Cobwebs

I could hear the crickets creaking.

I could see cobwebs forming.

I could see them nasty roaches chasing one another ala a bollywood scene.

But most importantly...

I could still hear Hari Raya songs playing; in April!!


(Bangs head on table)

---

Well, forget all that cos' the bitch is back! :)

I know it's been an awfully long time since I last updated, and quite frankly, I may have more things to say than I could actually bother to type! Well, that's the reason why I stopped blogging in the first place!

I mean, procrastination led to more procrastination - which led to the no. of posts piling up by the day - and before I knew it, I was too lazy to blog about anything at all!

Well, let's cut the long story short and get right down to my life over the past 5 months now, shall we?

From where I last left you, I was still running the family's business. Well, that's no longer the case, and it's not just because of NS. (On a side tangent, I've been in NS for 3 months now, but let's save the CD-bitching till later yeah?)

Back to the family business, I decided to relinquish my post about 1 month and a half earlier than expected, and you know that could only mean one thing - drama!

Well, it all happened in the midst of the whole Hari Raya festive season lah. It was at my eldest uncle's open house. I was halfway through a meal when his wife asked "So, Man, what do you plan to do after NS?"

Just as I was about to answer her, my uncle (the one running the business) cut in to say "Alah, no need to think so much lah. Best thing for you to do is to finish up your 2 years, and after that, fully take over the business!"

That statement shocked the hell outta me. Seriously, I was really caufght off-guard by his response. So much so that I no longer had the appetite to finish my meal.

Long story short, I decided to come clean to the family about my plans for after NS. I could tell they were somewhat shocked, but at the same time, they weren't surprised.

I mean, I shocked my entire family when I decided to withdraw from Poly to pursue my passion for acting. Hence, it came to no (or little) surprise that 2 years since I made that decision, I still chose my passion over another "career path".

My uncle got the worst of it, though. He was so shocked and disappointed that he didn't talk to me throughout the rest of the day; and it would stay that way till 2 months later when grandpa fell really ill.

Speaking of which, grandpa's sudden illness came as a surprise to us all, and frankly, it's something I never want to go through again. Period.

It was like any other Friday evening. I had just got back from my (then) part-time job as a trainer, and knowing Maman, I hate to be disturbed when I'm all tired out from work. It was right after dusk and grandpa was about to finish performing his prayers. That was the last time I saw him being his normal self.

5 minutes afterwards, just before grandma could perform her prayers, she came knocking on my door and said my grandpa was complaining that he felt cold. Initially, I thought that it was probably nothing, and he probably just wanted my attention or something, but when I came into the room and saw him shivering, I knew he wasn't joking, neither was he faking it cos for one, the shivering was too real to be faked by an 86-year old man who wasn't suffering from Arthritis or Parkinsons Disease!

I placed the palm of my hand on his forehead, and it was cold. I placed it on his neck, and it was just as cold. When I touched his hands, it was freezing cold. That immediately alarmed me.

I called my eldest aunt to come over immediately and I also called for an ambulance. Boiled some water to dab on his face and hands, and while waiting, I rushed back to his side.

My lord, the man was lying down in a stuffy room underneath 2 blankets and 3 layers of sweaters, and he was still shivering! To make things worse, all the man could talk about was death, and how he felt that it was his time to go!

How would you, as a grandchild, feel/react when your grandpa looks you in the eyes and say "I'm about to go. I think it's time."

As much as I was metaphorically shittin in my pants, I knew I had to stay calm for my grandma's sake. One glance and I knew that she was shittin in her pants too. Granny has a really soft heart, so seeing her husband of almost 60 years be in that state must've really been hard for her.

Anyway, once we got to the hospital, everything seemed fine. Gramps was in the observation room, and was seemingly recovering. Or so we thought.

Gramps got warded and not long after, we all headed back to my place to discuss grandpa's condition, and what could be done, especially with regards to his high blood pressure.

15 mins into our family discussion, the phone rang.

"Hello, Aman. Datang sini tolong Atuk. Atuk dari tadi cari bilik air rumah kita, tapi tak jumpa-jumpa. Dapur rumah kita Atuk nampak, tapi bilik air tak jumpa-jumpa pulak."

(Hello, Aman. Help me find our bathroom. I've been searching for it since just now, but I can't seem to find it. I can see our kitchen, but I can't seem to find our bathroom.)

"...Errrr... Errrrr.... Okay, okay. Atuk tunggu. Kejap lagi Maman sampai."

(Hold on. I'll be there in a while.)

"We need to go back to the hospital. Something's not right with grandpa."

Long story short, apparently the medication prescribed by the doctor was really strong as gramps' BP was really high then, therefore causing gramps to slip into temporary dementia, and that contributed to that night being the worst night I have ever had in my soon-to-be 21 years. (Fyi, 2 of my uncles and I insisted on staying over to look after him.)

Here's the thing; my grandpa loves being warded. I know it sounds weird, but yes, the old man loves it; simply cos' that's when he'd get to see distant relatives whom, otherwise, we only get to see during the festive season, weddings or funerals; but that night he kept wanting to go home, so much so that he barely had any sleep! He kept pointing out that we wants to go back to use our bathroom instead of the one in the hospital, which was at the other end of the ward.

Oh, and when he said he could "find our kitchen", it was actually the Staff Pantry, but the medication led him into thinking that it was out kitchen!

"What's happening to my grandpa? Why's he suddenly behaving as though he's... senile?"

My grandfather's 87, and besides his high blood pressure, he is a fit and healthy man! He's not diabetic; he doesn't have heart-related problems; he has never required a walking aid to move about; and his memory retention is that of a man in his prime!

So why was my grandpa in such a state?!

Seeing my grandpa like that really took me over the edge. My mind was fucking me up real bad with thoughts of him dying; and being the emotional guy that I am, those thoughts were effective in breaking me down.

I still remember running out of the ward crying, and having my uncle to calm me down only after 10 minutes or so. I knew I had to stay strong for gramps' sake, but I couldn't believe the strongest elderly man I know (physically and mentally) could be reduced to such a state in a matter of hours! It was only hours before that that he went to the provision shop to get bread and kaya. I swear, it was the most heart-breaking sight I have ever had to witness to.

The second time I broke down was when gramps perform his pre-dawn prayers. When he prayed for his family's welfare, and for us to always be safe and protected, I couldn't take it any longer. I turned away from him and cried silently.

The next day, we had gramps discharged upon his request, even though the doctors were reluctant to sign the release forms. Suprisingly, he got better afterwards. As the days passed, his condition got so much better.

Gramps' an amazing guy, he really is. He went from healthy to near-fatal in a matter of hours, and bounced right back in a matter of days.

Yes, I know I've always complained about him irritating me and all that shit. To be honest, he's back to that right now, but I'd rather have a grandfather who keeps bugging me than not having him around at all. I love him to bits, and I know he'd always love his first grandson the most of all his grandkids.