The Vicious Cycle

Have you ever done something bad onto someone, only to have the same thing done onto you by somebody else?

I have.


I've always believed in Karma - that what goes around will, one day, eventually come around - even though sometimes, especially in my younger days, I've had the tendency to do things without sparing a thought of the repercussions.

There were times in my life when emotional commitment was the last thing on my agenda. I clearly remember that there were 2 periods - the time before I had met the bastard my first love, and the time following our bitch fest break-up - where I felt as above.

During these times, all I had in mind was to have fun, and to live life to the fullest without being unwillingly chained down by someone else. My life - during those periods - primarily revolved around partying, sex, alcohol, and even more partying.

In the period soon after I came out and before I had met the bastard my first love, commitment of love was of little - or no - importance in my life. Being 16-going-on-17, all I could think of was enjoying my adolescence before I "grow old" one day.

When I decided to finally break free from the bastard my first love more than 2 years ago, commitment of love was definitely the last thing I had in mind. In fact, at that point of time, death would have made a much better option! It was during that time when I had frozen all emotions associated to love and romance; while simultaneously (and sub-consciously) being taken over by fear.

Fear, after discovering all the lies and all the - for the lack of a better word - shit that the bastard my first love had done behind my back during the time that we were together, especially since these discoveries were made only after the break-up had taken place! On top of that, all the mind games, drama, blame-throwing and emotional torment were also major contributors to this fear - the fear of trusting another man ever again.

Since coming out more than 4 years ago, I've constantly had a string of admirers who patiently and persistently waited for that one chance to prove it all - that not all men are the same, and that they could potentially be the one to make me whole - but as fate would have it, they never really got that chance.

Besides fear of hurt and the desire to have maximum fun, I must say that I put most of the blame on the one thing that makes us all human - ego.

I've always had an issue with my ego when it comes to love. Don't get me wrong, though - I'm not referring to my ego when in love per se. That, I constantly make sure that it is in check as I very well know that it is the key to maintaining a healthy 2-way relationship.

No, this ego that I'm referring to... it's... hmmmm... of being desirable, and, being desired by another person. As ridiculous as it may be, it is simply something that, till today, I can not get rid of - for some reason - and I don't even know why!

To be frank, I have never once given a chance to anyone - and I mean anyone - who felt for me before I ever had the chance to feel the same way about them! The men whom I have ever pursued - or dated - were all men whom I had, at the very least, had a crush on; when - on the other hand - and at that same time, their feelings didn't amount to that of mine, or were close to nothing at all!

It's weird, I know, but I've always had an issue with people who develop feelings for me before I do! I've always felt that, being the one to reciprocate another person's love was, well, equivalent to that of being passive!

It's no lie that I have always been the one to initiate - especially when it comes to love - therefore having someone else doing the initiating, in my ego's opinion, just makes me that much less of a man!

Also, it has always been in my opinion that by taking myself out of the market too quickly, it would - believe it or not - make me less desirable to others!

Even though the very fact that I did have lots of admirers during the time I was with the bastard my first love and KS respectively is concrete enough to dispute that shallow lil' mindset of mine, I still find myself holding on to it to the point where I think it has become a principle in my life! Geez!

Above all, I still think that the biggest obstacle my ego has yet to face is the fact that Maman loves a challenge! Knowing that I can have someone whenever, wherever is somewhat of a turn-off, in my opinion. It kinda makes the person look easy, while at the same time, makes me look desperate. Once again, I know it's a weird excuse to deny one's self of finding his potential soul mate, but then again, when has my life ever been normal?

The one thing my relationships with the bastard my first love and KS had in common was the fact that I was the first boyfriend they have ever had in their lives! Heck, I didn't even have to put on that "I kinda like you like you, so I'm gonna be all nice and sweet when I'm with you" front just to attract them! All throughout the getting-to-know period, I remained myself - flaws and all - and they loved me for that!

So, if I could've changed the mindset of 2 closetted gay guys on love between 2 men, what couldn't I possibly do??

One after another, they came. The admirers, that is. They tried and they tried, but I never relented for my mind was already made up from the start. Still, I never once let them know. All I did was to simply appear nonchalant. Take it from this analogy:

The more I stayed nonchalant; the harder they tried.

The harder they tried; the easier it became to have them.

The easier it became to have them; the more "back-ups" I had.

The more "back-ups" I had; the more my ego grew.

The more my ego grew; the more I felt compelled to remain the bastard I once was.


It was only after my break-up with KS that I no longer felt the need for "back-ups" anymore; probably because with KS, I finally felt whole again.

I've been single for 15 months and 16 days now. There came a point throughout this time where I thought I'd never be able to love anyone so deeply the way I did KS, or even the bastard my first love. That was, until He came into my life.

For the first time in a long time, I actually felt and fell oh-so-deeply for someone. I honestly have no idea why I did, considering he's Malay and a year younger than I am. Everyone knows Maman swore never to fall for another malay guy after all that happened with the bastard his first love; and everyone knows Maman likes men within the age range of 24-35. So why was this kid the one?? Honestly, I still don't know; and that's how I know it's love.

"When you feel for someone but can't seem to put a finger on a reason so as to why you feel so strongly for him, that's when you know you love him."

Time passed, and feelings grew stronger; but it wasn't long before those feelings turned into an obsession - when one glance of him could light up your day; when your knees weaken by that precious smile flashes across his face; when fatigue and time are no longer excuses, just so that you could catch a glimpse of him.

But for the first time, I realized I was the only dancing to the tune; or at least that was what I felt.

Alas, I decided to straighten things out with him (pardon the pun) once and for all, and from everything that transpired from the conversation, I was determined - Karma has come full circle.

For the first time in my life, I felt what it was like to be led on. For the first time, also, I felt what it was like to invest all my emotions into something that was never meant to be from the start.

Was I upset? A little.

Was I disappointed? Sure as hell.

Was I relieved? YES.

Yes, because finally, Karma has bitten me in the ass. I knew it was a matter of time. I'm just glad it has happened now when I'm still young, rather than much later in my life.

Do I miss him? I sure do.

Do I still love him?

..

..

.....As much as I did the day I knew I was in love with him.

Dinginnya getaran asmara
Sentuhan mula bermadah
Ku tak bisa juarai
Jiwa yang ku tak punya


And from what I've heard, it appears now that the guy whom he's always had feelings for is doing the same thing onto him, cos apparently the guy's in love with someone else. Karma or not, let this be known - That despite the undying love I still have for him, I will not be his back-up plan. Perhaps, well, perhaps we were never meant to be anyway. Sigh.

Tidak kesampaian cinta kita
Ku bawa harapan, ku pendam rahsia.
Ku di kejauhan; mendoakan
Agar kau bahgia; tiada lagi duka.

Daku rela mengundur diri
Ku pasti dikau kan fahami.