Time: 2300hrs - 2400hrs
Throughout this hour, I was on the phone with someone I had not contacted nor met for more than 3 months; my second ex.
On a whole, the conversation went well. We talked about my birthday celebrations the night before, and we did spend a good portion of that hour catching up on each other's lives and how we've been doing since we last met up on Valentines' Day (we had both already made the decision to go our separate ways a few weeks prior to that meeting).
Things then got a little heavy when out of nowhere, he asked "so, are you over everything?"
I was quite taken aback by that question, but after a brief moment of silence, and after I've arranged my thoughts, I eventually did answer him.
"I guess I'm pretty much over it. I won't deny that it definitely wasn't easy, considering there were a lot of possibilities that awaited us; possibilities which until today, are left unexplored. But I'm not gonna lie to you. I do miss you a whole lot. There have been moments where halfway through my sleep, I'd wake up and think that you were next to me just like before. But despite all that, I guess I am mostly over what we had, though I still do miss you a lot."
There was another brief moment of silence when I posed the question back to him, and when he finally answered, it was something which I had not expected.
"All along I thought I was. I couldn't even read your blog over the past few months cos it would remind me of you and what we had."
I then cut in and said "I guess that would pretty much explain why I've been ignoring your messages and why I had completely cut you out of my life over the past few months. The most trivial of all things would remind me of you. I guess we both felt that way, huh?"
He then revealed something which kinda guilted me just as it did sadden me.
I'm sure some of you would remember that period of time where my life was filled with question marks. I was so stressed out with a lot of things and so I left home and went into seclusion. For that whole 9 days, I seeked solace and peace of mind, all in the hope that I'd be able to reach withing myself to find the answers to most of the questions that were surrounding me at that time, and after the 9 days, it did.
Throughout those 9 days of solace, a lot of my close friends, namely Sha, Sharon, Ivan & Sheriff, were frantic with worry as I had cut myself off all means of communication to the outside world.
It was also during that time that, as revealed by my ex, his aunt, whom I knew was re-diagnosed with cancer in January, had passed away. Apparently he had tried to contact me to inform me of the loss, but I was nowhere to be found. He said he had sent me an sms to inform me of his aunt's passing, but he never got a reply. It was then that he felt really sad, because he knew I (of all people) would be there for him during that heartwrenching period of time, but sadly, I wasn't.
To be honest, I was already on the verge of tears when I found out about his aunt's passing, and when he mentioned of how I was nowhere around when he really needed me for comfort and support, I was ready to cry buckets.
We continued chatting and when midnight came, our conversation ended, not until we both gave each other a goodnight kiss.
It was not long before I eventually did have to rush out to the living room to grab a few pieces of tissue paper to wipe off the tears that rolled down my cheeks.
I cried not just because I was saddened to know of his aunt's passing, nor was it just because I felt guilty (I still do, actually) for not being there for him during his darkest moments (he was really close to his aunt since young), but also because of the fact that the past hour which I had spent talking to him brought back memories which took me more than 3 months to get over. Memories of our first chat, to our first meeting, to our first date, to our first tiff, to our first movie together, to... to... everything! It all came back.
Not necessarily to haunt me, but to remind me of how he (of ALL people) was successful in making me believe in the word "love" again. Of the 3 guys whom I had previously dated after my break-up with Adi, none of them made me feel the way he did. And to be totally honest, even as I look back, I still have no clue so as to why I felt so much for him in the first place!
But for some reason, I did. And if I could just add on, I believe that even though I'm mostly over whatever it was that we had, I know deep down inside that firstly, that part of my heart which had his name engraved on it is still there and it's still his, and secondly, it would take a great man (which, in my opinion, is the biggest understatement of the year!) to actually make me believe in love again! Despite the ups and downs, no one had ever gone to such lengths to love me the way he did! Not Kevin, not Riddy, not Ollie... Heck, not even Adi himself!
Shit lah, why am I even talking about all this now?! I guess it's because I never really got the chance to let out my heart's contents about him, our break-up, and everything else that's associated with it. Pardon my ranting, friends.
And to KS... God... I.. I...
...I miss you so much
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